The straightening struggle is real.
1. I just want to put it all up into a normal ponytail…oh, the standard sized elastic hair-tie broke.
2. Fear of daily showers and baths because my hair takes 5 billion hours to dry. Literally. Shower cap anyone?
3. The slight hint of a drizzle or light shower and POOF my hair doubles in volume. I now have a backcomb effect without the backcomb.
4. Yes, it is a natural kink. No, I cannot get rid of it.
5. Firm hold hairspray? You might as well spray deodorant onto my head. I need extra strong super firm hold hairspray at all times.
6. If I go into the sea for a swim, I will come out and within half hour my hair will look like I have a puffer fish clinging to my scalp.
7. Swim under water? Don’t make me laugh. Do you know how long it takes to straighten this?
8. Clip in hair extensions do nothing. They look like 5 little rats tails hanging out the back. To look like my normal hair I need to buy at least 10 separate packs.
9. Curly, I’ll just have to go curly won’t I. But it takes twice as long to curl each damn section. Fine, I’ll be late for work. But can I be late for work every day? I literally don’t know what to do.
10. Your friend’s ponytails are actually just one fifth of yours.
11. Hairdressers always say ‘wow you’ve got really thick hair’. Every. Single. Time.
12. Layers and feathers have become your standard hair ‘do even though you didn’t want either – hairdressers just see thick hair and decide layering is in order whether you wanted a blunt cut or not.
13. Don’t even get me started on thinning scissors. Keep them bad boys away from my head!
14. A messy bun ends up just looking like a bird’s nest. Sigh.
15. Birds actually DO try nest on your head, thinking it’s the biggest cosiest ready made nest they’ve ever seen.
16. When said bird poops on your head, it takes a lot of energy to get it all out. One wipe will not do it.
17. You go through shampoo and conditioner quicker than your slutty friend gets through lovers.
18. Thin haired girls claim they wish they had thick hair – and you want to just punch them in their face.
19. After a bath, the amount of hair left swirling around in it makes you think you must be going bald. You then check the mirror and no…no it is still ALL there.
20. Blocked shower drains are your nemesis.
21. In the height of summer you might as well be wearing a beanie hat for all the heat your damn barnet keeps in.
22. Any hair do is effort. Literally ANY up do takes forever. Your partner moans at the length of time you take to get ready. He does not understand this constant crisis. He does not have any hair.
23. Kirby clips and bobby pins? I laugh in the face of bobby pins. They don’t even hold my hair in place if I use 50 of them in a row. Give me a real clip god damn it.
24. If you’re too tired to do anything and go to bed with your hair wet…you wake up with it STILL wet. How is that even possible I slept for like 8 hours. WHY ARE YOU NOT DRY ALREADY.
25. Straightening is a daily chore. Every morning, the straighteners must come out if you wish to be able to merge into society.