Boyfriend, mortgage, good salary, secure job, great family and great friends…most would say I have it all. But do I?
There is nothing in my life that I can find a fault with. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I have been with for over five years. He would do anything for me and tells me I am beautiful. We bought our first house a year ago and have a surprisingly low and manageable mortgage (cheaper than the rent we had paid for a smaller flat). My job is secure and I get paid more than some friends who actually went to university, which I did not. My family is large and nearby to provide love, food and company.
Everything is bliss, everything is good, and I have it all. So why do I feel the need to scream? Why do I feel frustrated? I welcome myself to: The Late-Twenties Crisis.
As a 28 year old female I think I have reached the point where I can no longer think of myself as ‘young’. I can hear everyone over the age of 30 screaming at me…but hear me out! I believe that the age that you can be seen officially as an adult is 22. That was the best age. Everything is legal but you’re still young enough to have people be envious of your lifestyle. You can walk in to a nightclub without feeling like the oldest person in the room. Your breasts haven’t given up on life and started their downward descent. You still have choices: should I travel the world, should I move to Australia, should I have a few more one-night stands, should I experiment with this drug, should I call in sick for work to cover up my hangover? So many questions and endless possibilities. You are in control of your life. I now understand why people used to preach at me to ‘enjoy it while you can dear’.
In my current circumstances, blissfully happy as I am, I cannot give up work to travel the world. I cannot risk my job or my health to try drugs. I can’t just up and move to a new country, what about my house and my cats? What would I do for money when I got there? How would I find work? What about my family? How would I cancel my car finance? And as for a hangover on a work day, I can’t even handle work after one late night, never mind after a few too many drinks. These are all problems that you wouldn’t even think about at 22. The older you get the more excuses you can find for not being spontaneous.
A few weeks ago, as I was travelling alone in my car and listening to Radio 1, they were discussing the idea that when you get older, you lose your friends. This has happened to me. Through no fault of my own, and definitely not intentionally, I find myself with no friends these days. I have mentioned my best friend who lives in London, she is my soul mate. Without her I wouldn’t be half the person I am today and would never have been introduced to liquid eyeliner. Oush! We don’t speak often but when we do there is no hint that we haven’t seen each other for almost a year. Two very different personalities who need each other to balance. My other friend is a bit more local and we do generally speak daily, however, we live in different towns, work in different towns, have different financial circumstances and just generally have little time where we are both free at the same time to see each other.
When listening to this show and hearing how it has happened to the radio host and several other people who had phoned in, I was in shock. This was my life. I have become isolated. I can’t just call someone up and pop over for a cuppa. I can’t arrange a date night with a girlfriend just randomly for the weekend. I can’t meet up with my guy friends as that would be unfair to my boyfriend who would hate it (after 5 years absence, they probably no longer think of me as a friend anyway). I sat in my car when I got home and cried. I cried inside my 2015 car, outside my new build 2014 house, before grabbing my Michael Kors bag to find my tissues. What was wrong with me? Why am I not appreciating what I have? WTF are all these tears about??
Looking back, my late teens to early twenties were great. Although going through two emotionally abusive, financial destructive and complete failure relationships, I successfully fell on my own two feet. My outlook on life changed and I became more confident. I smoked, I drank, I tried ecstasy, I randomly but temporarily moved to the other side of the county with no money or worries, I met new people, I got a couple of tattoos, had sex with different people, had sex with friends, and kissed girls. All in all, I believe I was successful in my early twenties.
So why, after having all that fun and living my life, do I have such resent now? Like I said, there is nothing wrong in my life; everything is great, so why do I want more?
Earlier this year I felt like I was losing my mind. I quickly contacted my London wife and arranged a weekend for her to help me ‘go crazy’. It was just what I needed. I got so much off my chest that I cannot speak about at home, watched back to back episodes of Sex and the City (our tradition), drank wine, dressed up, met new people and if I’m being completely honest with you now, I tried cocaine. I do not promote drugs, I probably won’t do it again in my life, but that is how extreme my need for excitement was, and it worked. It was out of my system and I felt refreshed and ready to take on the world of being an adult again.
Now approaching two months after this I am having the same feelings again. What do I want? Why can I not be satisfied? Is this normal? As a society I believe we become blind to what we have and then focus on what we can’t have and I think that is my problem. Some girls get lip fillers; I already have naturally pouty, Italian lips. Those same girls have naturally slim and beautiful bodies; I don’t but would do anything to have that. We are never truly satisfied, are we?
As my late twenties are quickly coming to an end, and I am bound to move on to an early thirties crisis, I look back on what I have achieved to date. I am not married, I don’t have children, I’m not a self made millionaire and I’ve not overcome my ridiculously stupid fear of butterflies. What I have done however, is created memories and done the ‘crazy stuff’ you’re supposed to do in your youth. When I am old and wrinkly I won’t look back with regrets wishing I had done more. I still may get married, I may have children and I may make my millions. I’m still young after all…
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