I’m all about the benefit of the doubt. I can by-pass certain inadequate attributes if I get on with the dude and he makes me laugh. So when this guy came along and explained that he was unemployed, I thought, no biggy. I mean sure, I like to be spoiled every now and again, but I can suck that up if he’s a cool kid. Enter Joey Donner.
After swapping digits and having a decent chat, I agreed to go for casual drinks. His social media made him look like a woman-hating arrogant dick, but when we spoke it was obvious that was just his bizarre sense of humour. I figured it was a front in case he ever got knocked back…he could pretend he didn’t care. He was seemingly attractive, made me laugh and he wasn’t a London boy so I was thinking…this will be nice.
Oushhhh. Let me count the ways at how wrong I was. Firstly, his mates dropped him off because he has no car, no money and no job…and driving away they played ‘James Blunt’ really loud on purpose. Okay, fine, I get that. As we walked to the bar he continually asked not to go for a drink but to go back to mine to watch a film and I made it super fucking clear that wasn’t happening. I’ll buy you a beer for God’s sake. We went to a quiet pub and as I sat there, I had to keep looking to make sure I had met the right dude – his pictures showed a sharp, shaved, clean good looking guy and what was sitting in front of me was a disheveled moth-eaten homeless man. I say homeless – he lives with his mum. Meh.
After admitting his hair resembled a mushroom because it was so over-grown, I did not disagree (Mumma taught me never to lie) so I suggested he gets a hair cut. It’s almost like the thought never crossed his mind. He proclaimed that he can’t afford it. Fine. But wait…he then chirped up that his sister is a hairdresser. Ermmmm….get her to cut your hair for you then for free? No, he said…he’s been too busy. DOING WHAT? YOU’RE UNEMPLOYED!? I hadn’t given up hope yet, so over wine I did the first date generic chit chat.
So what do you do Joey?
Nothing, I told you.
I got that, but like…what do you actually do during the day?
Erm, I walk the dogs, take selfies for instagram.
Right…ever look for jobs?
Not really. Dunno what I wanna do.
The dude is 23 years old. Within 5 minutes I realized he had as much life-drive and ambition as a sloth with an underactive thyroid condition. He had NOTHING to say. And when he ever asked about me (which wasn’t much) after I told him what I do he’d interrupt with “alright, calm down celebrity, making me feel worse about myself. I’ve seen all of your celebrity mates in your pictures’ so I shut the fuck up because he clearly had an idea of who I was before I even opened my mouth.
So as we talked more about him (of course), he explained in depth about his selfies. Sometimes, he said, he takes at least 20 minutes to decide which one to upload. They look identical to everyone else, but he knows they are different. I then followed with: “Have you ever watched ’10 Things I Hate About You’…because you sound just like Joey Donner. Yeah, that really vain one who stands with the exact same identical head-shot in black and white…whilst I am Bianca wanting to puke up on both and walk away”.
Note here – once I am done with someone, I don’t really hold back. He found my comment so funny and completely agreed. How can someone with nothing to offer be so VAIN and self absorbed? I wasn’t being nice Donner…I was being cutting! He did used to be hot, he tells me (more self talk, boring) but now he’s unemployed he thought he’d really get into the role. That you have my friend…that you have.
This date was becoming so cringy, I almost thought I had been Punk’d.
While it had only been an hour and a half and I was ready to blow my own brains out to avoid this conversation that was drier than a nun’s crotch…he chirped up that he needs to charge his phone. Why haven’t you charged it all day when you’ve been doing nothing? I asked. Oh…because he had listened to music, chilled out, and by the time he knew it, it was 4pm and his mates took him to Nandos. Bellend. On and on and on and on he went about charging his phone and I knew full well it was a ploy for me to offer him to come charge it back at mine so he could make some feeble embarrassing move on me. No chance. He reckoned he couldn’t get home without it charged and as I suggested just jumping on a train home…he said no, his mum was coming to pick him up. HIS MUM. I felt like I’d gone to the local school, picked up the 17 year old stoner and took him out on a date. Cringe.
Once we established he suddenly had enough battery to text his doting mother to come get him, I was sitting there smiling but busy working out Pythagoras’ Theorem in my head, because that was more fun than engaging with this Joey drip. I thought…really universe…REALLY? Is THIS what you’re coming up with for me? What, was I Himmler in my past life and deserve to now be tortured?
Icing on the cringing cake – before I left him to wait for his mum alone because if I stayed at the table I may have gnawed my own finger off to create entertainment…he happily tells me he won’t be texting me. Huh?
“Yeah, you won’t be hearing from me again. I’m just like that. Can’t help it, I just don’t text girls. Like, if you text me I’ll respond, but I don’t text you first. I figure if girls like me then they will text first.”
Okkkk I said. So, on the premise of your twisted argument, if you don’t text me first that means you don’t like me? He then said: “Nahhhh, it’s not that. I dunno, I just don’t.” It is exactly that you raving imbecile and trust me, the only way you’d ever hear from me again is if a badger stole my phone, buried it in a hole and the clods of mud accidentally dialed your number.
So, in accordance to his vain counterpoint Mr. Donner, I have constructed a list of 10 Things I Hate About Him. Obviously hate is a strong word and I’d not declare I hate anyone but it has an agreeable symmetry with the theme so I’m rolling with it.
1. You look nothing like your hoard of selfies. A disheveled old holed jumper maketh the man…does not.
2. Your vanity knows no bounds. I wouldn’t mind if it were based on substance, but in your head you are MUCH better looking than reality. New mirror perhaps?
3. You have no drive in life whatsoever. Ambition or success is attractive, because it shows you want to make the most out of this one gift of life. Taking selfies is not a career path.
4. You have no interest in anyone except yourself. Conversation requires two people, don’t you know.
5. You used your phone charger as an excuse to get into my pants and thought I’d not notice.
6. You insulted my intelligence big time. See point 5.
7. Pride. You need to find some.
8. Hair cut. You need to get one.
9. Saying you won’t bother texting me after this. In what parallel universe did you think I wanted to hear from you again anyway? There’s the arrogance creeping in again.
10. You wasted two hours of my life that I’ll never get back.
Ok, I’m done. All I can say is, give me Patrick Verona any day of the week.