Do me a favour, dearest gentlemen, and close your eyes for a moment. Now, imagine that you’re lying on your front, relaxed and happy. Got that? Okay, now imagine out of no-where, someone comes along and rams a vibrator up your bum. The size of the vibrator is directly related to the size of your manhood, no bigger, no smaller. Got that?
Now imagine, if you can, the feeling this offers – that someone is ripping open your insides for instant pain and the only release is when they remove the foreign object from your back passage.Does the pain stop there? Nope…you’ll get to endure the aftermath burning sensation. Also depending on how hard they rammed the vibrator up your bum, you’ll also potentially feel pain trying to walk too.
Welcome to Bum Sex.
Guys, for a reason I’ll never get to grips with, consider the back passage as some unchartered ‘forbidden fruit’ that they simply have to stick their penis into. As if every orifice should have a welcome mat for your manhood. I’m well aware it must feel pretty great for you dudes, but we ladies quiver at the mention of anal sex, and when it eventually gets brought up (he may well be drunk with Dutch courage) we have to try skirt around the issue or flat out explain BUM IS OFF LIMITS. I believe there are three main reasons why guys beeline for the bum;
1. They want to ‘get’ to a part of you other guys haven’t
2. It feels much better for them than a bucket fanny
3. They enjoy knowing you’ve opened up to them in every damn way possible
Sure, there are many girls who enjoy it. And it CAN be potentially pleasurable. But in general, we really don’t get the vibe on why you dig it so much. Hats off to the girls who can happily let a guy enter her rear whenever he chooses, because I have absolutely no idea how she can endure the pain unless she’s clenching her teeth and / or well drunk. And don’t even get me started on pornstars who regularly take it up the bum for their job – how do you do it? Most respectable women will shudder at the thought.
Also, I’ll point this out now, most guys somehow believe it to be okay to just ram it in without any lube or anything – what the actual fuck? NO. This is not okay. This intensifies the pain and will ensure the anal session lasts all of 3 seconds mate. So I’ve taken it upon myself to outline rules that you guys MUST stick to if you want your girlfriend / lover to come round to the idea that, due to you being blessed with a penis at birth, you wanna stick it in her bum, no questions asked.
The Rules of Bum Fun
1. If she’s a one night stand, I doubt she wants bum fun. Feel free to ask her but the chances are, you stick to the one-hole-goal only. Bum fun requires trust – if you’ve just met her she will not trust you in the slightest, so I wouldn’t even bother going there mate. Unless she explicitly asks you to stick it up her ass the first night you meet, then she’s probably a bit of a slut and if I were you I’d take time to adjust my outlook on life and who I am choosing to screw.
2. If you’re in a relationship, you’ve got the trust established. First key. Always establish great ‘normal’ sex with your girlfriend first before you approach the butt convo – don’t say ‘please be my girlfriend, oh, and can I now stick it in your asshole?’ That’s not cool. Generically, give it 3 months of decent loving sex before you approach the back-end.
3. Find out beforehand her stance on anal sex. If she says her bum is off limits…respect this. Do not simply ignore her wishes and shove your dick in there – this will cause her to HATE you. To her core.
4. If you’ve asked her about bum sex and she’s somewhat open to the idea, you can thus continue on to the below rules on the art of actually having bum sex:
5. Use lube. USE LOADS OF LUBE. That area is not made to be entered and does NOT have any natural lubricants and if you don’t use anything and ram it in dry it will be SO painful she’ll most definitely crumble/collapse/cry/hit you/run away.
6. Be GENTLE. What is wrong with you, thinking you can use the same amount of force as you would in normal sex? Learn the body mate. It will hurt anyway, let alone if you have the finesse of a rhino that’s been injected with speed. Stop, take your time, and consider HER please.
7. Don’t shove it all in at once, do it slowly. If you ease yourself in, and then back out, then in again a bit more further, then out, she will slowly get used to accommodating you there. Repeat the process until you’re fully in and she seems okay. Don’t fucking push on like the Charge of the Light Brigade for pity’s sake.
8. If she asks you to stop or pull out, do so immediately. If it seems like you respect her wishes and she can control the level of pain you administer, she’ll be more likely to allow you another try later on down the line.
9. Appreciate that, it takes a decent 5-10 minutes of pain before the girl starts to relax and it becomes somewhat enjoyable. You have to be patient with those 10 minutes because, after all, this is all your idea. It does become okay, in the end, but she needs to relax and only you can get her to do that.
10. Don’t assume once you’ve opened up the back-passage you have unchartered access. If it’s a one off, it’s a one off. Deal with it. You were lucky you got any bum fun.
11. Finally, don’t you dare go from normal sex, to bum fun, back to normal sex in the same session. You’d be transferring bacteria that should not be transferred and potentially cause her issues, like Thrush or whatever. Change condoms in-between please.
12. Just because it happens in pornos doesn’t mean it is real life. If you want the same sordid action, feel free to go date a pornstar.
13. Just because she has a big juicy ghetto ass, does not mean she has a big ass-hole. Did you learn nothing in Biology?
14. If you’re both thinking about anal sex but still quite tentative – you can always explore butt plugs instead. They might be a decent stepping stone to the ultimate bum-goal.
So there you have it. If you follow all my rules, you are set for a brighter bum fun future. If you ignore any of my suggestions, this is the inevitable result: she’s in pain, potential tears, probably doesn’t even want normal sex now, she may also hate you. If you think about it, I’m actually writing this geared towards helping you ‘tap that forbidden fruit’ so you should be thanking me for my pearls of wisdom. No need to thank me for approaching the taboo subject in the first place, we all know by now I have no concept of socially acceptable boundaries whatsoever.