Before you jump to conclusions…I’ve not caught some rare tropical venereal disease and decided to abstain because, quite frankly, I had to. Nor have I been living a sexual fantasy lifestyle that Samantha Jones would be proud of, and decided I needed to give my foo foo a rest from all the cock. I know you thought either option was the motive. I promise you, they’re not.
In fact, I’ll be so bold as to claim I probably had less sex than you did last year. Yes…you. How many shags did you have? Yah…I had less than that.
So why am I claiming sexual abstinence?
For the past 5 years now, it seems like dating has been geared all around reaching the final goal post, I mean, bed post. Getting laid. I can’t remember the last time a guy dated me FOR ME rather than my peachy ass. Yeah, I knowwwww it’s round and squishy and you want to slap it. I get that. But a set of curves doesn’t quite make the traditional ‘soul mate’ dream a reality, does it now?
“Just keep your knickers on then simple” I hear you say. It’s a valid opinion, except in this case it misses the main point. I’m not a party girl looking for one night wonders and I’m certainly not the kind of girl who cannot commit so swings from one guy to the next on a weekly basis. Nah. I seem to be a short term serial monogamist, in that I have multiple mini ‘relationships’ with guys due to an intense ‘sexual connection’ that drops us both into this situation from the first meet. Whilst this is great and rest assured my dearest exes of 2015, you were all lovely, it’s not exactly what I’m after. It’s not the starting equation of the formula that equals “long term love.” Why? Because we’ve both confused lust for love. Shit.
Stuck between a cock and a hard place, there I am exclusive and dating a guy who I actually barely know. His house? Never been in it. His middle name? Fuck knows. His daily job? I don’t know…doesn’t he work as a labourer or something? Honestly, I know nothing about the guys except how good we both feel when we’re around each other and how awesome our sex is. But take away the sexual connection and what am I left with? A person I know, deep down, I do not want to spend the rest of my life with. Sorry pal, but your banter was so so bad that cleaning out my cat’s litter tray was more thrilling than our conversations.
So with this realisation I thought, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? We all have that mirror chat when a new year looms and we just look at our own reflection and try evaluate the meaning of life, the square root of pie, the new grey hairs and the extra wrinkle that appeared overnight. Whilst the short term trysts are fun and the weekends spent in my bed have been glorious, it’s not exactly helping me build the future I so desire. I’m talking: holidays, weekend trips away, surprise gifts, sitting on my balcony at night with a bottle of wine, family events etc. You know the score. For years now, not a single guy I dated would fit into that slot. Not because he wasn’t nice or sweet or cute…he just wasn’t what I would look for in a long term relationship.
More to the actual point as to the reason behind my abstinence vow…I can’t help but get emotionally attached to a man I sleep with. It’s a rare occasion when I can just fuck ‘n’ roll. I sleep with them and create feelings for them that probably aren’t founded on anything constructive. So, when the mini tryst finishes I do feel upset because I half convinced myself I was going to somehow be with this guy. Then a month down the line and I’m like URGH LOOK AT HIM. But I still have to go through all that break-up emotional crap and I ain’t got time for that! I’m a business woman for fuck sake! I can’t spend a week crying with ice-cream I’ve got shit to do. You know, like doing laundry and hiding from my cat in the storage room until she finds me. I’m a busy girl.
So, you see, the sexual connection is my little demon and I figured by removing it from the situation, all dating areas will improve. I’ll not be clouded by sexual connection that convinces me I really like him. I don’t. I will be able to look at a guy for who he is, what he brings to the table and whether we have a personality connection instead, which bodes well for a future relationship that has longevity. I’ll also be able to find the right guy who isn’t after just an easy shag for a few months whilst he sorts his life out…I’ll find the guy who is already sorted. The guy who wants to hang out just because he likes my weird personality and slightly insane outlook on life, not the guy who wants to hang out the back of me having bent me over the dining room table.
You see the difference? Yah, me too.
I’m not going to put a time limit on it as I hate life restrictions, but it will definitely be 6 months at least. Unless my ultimate Prince Charming arrives (Leonardo DiCaprio lookalike anyone?) and proposes in which case, I’d probably sleep with him there and then. Oh and before you start harping on about technicalities…YES I can still use toys. This isn’t a vow against orgasms! It’s a vow against sexual intercourse with boys.
Boys do have germs after all, I learnt that when I was 5.