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Sex & Love

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The Ugly Truth

I have only three movies stored onto my iPad: The A-Team (Bradley Cooper is a God), Percy Jackson & the Lightening Thief (I like fantasy, and what?) and The Ugly Truth. The Ugly Truth is a chick flick rom-com staring Gerard Butler as chauvinistic TV show host Mike Chadway who ends up working for Abby Ritcher (Katherine Heigl) and together they tease out the ultimate battle between what women think vs what men actually think.
Whilst Mike, in his bawdy uncouth and explicit ways tries to show Abby that the ugly truth is men are just all about looks and sex…Abby abhors his very existence but starts following his advice with some unexpected results. The point I’m making here with this article is not a bio of a good film, but more a breakdown of THE UGLY TRUTH. Because, however much us ladies don’t want to admit it, he is right.

Here are the main points Gerard Butler (swoon) so aptly points out, as blunt as necessary:

1. If he expects you to call, don’t. He’ll call back. And always leave an impression.

2. Never criticize. Men are incapable of growth, change or progress. Men’s self-improvement ends at toilet training.

3. Laugh at whatever he says. A Fake laugh is like a fake orgasm…in the same respect that a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.

4. Men are very visual. As in style & looks. Comfort and efficiency with clothes – it’s okay except no-one wants to fuck it. Length of attire is very important, we need short enough to see some thigh, but not too short that we see vagina. Vagina says you’re trying too hard. Jeans on the other hand are all about the curvature of the ass. Hair – men like something to grab onto aside from your ass. Oh, and a pony-tail implies that you’re either operating heavy machinery or emptying the litter box…neither of which inspire an erection.

5. Never talk about your problems. Men don’t really listen or care. Some men pretend to care. But if they ask how you’re doing its just guy code for ‘let me stick my dick in your ass’. If he’s a guy and remotely interested in you, he’s probably thought about each of your orifices around 10 times.

6. You have to be two people…the saint, and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper. On one hand you have to push the guy away with a cold indifference, and on the other you have to be a sexually teasing tornado.

7. Men like watching penis shaped food going into your mouth.

Okay, got all that? Right. It IS the ugly truth after all…which means in all his vulgar terminology, he is unfortunately spot on. Let’s address these points in the manner they deserve, head on.

1. I’m down with the ‘don’t call until he does’ rule, but I doubt very much whether he would, in fact, call back. Or even call at all. I have found these days men are comfortable with whatsapp, text, and at a push maybe a skype conversation. But an actual phone call where you chat through a phone? Oushhhh. That’s just too much to handle. However if you manage to find a guy who isn’t completely terrorized by his ringtone, then yes, let him call you back. And always keep him wondering when he’ll hear from you next. Knowing he has you at the end of his attention whenever he fancies it is a complete turn off for men. Fair’s fair.

2. I couldn’t agree more that men’s growth ends at toilet training. But besides this little gem the more significant point has been raised – never criticize. This IS crucial! Guys just can’t take the slack. For instance, I used to correct my ex fiancée’s bad grammar and poor spelling all the time…not because I was being a no-it-all (probably) but because I had an English Literature degree and I figured he could pick up some decent words. No….he didn’t take too kindly to being consistently corrected. The best way to deal with this lack of criticizing is to encourage whatever they do/say, and manipulate the situation so that they end up doing what you prefer but let them think it is THEIR idea. Be clever, and never moan or nag, just subtly turn the situation into one that is better or ‘right’.

3. Laugh at whatever he says? Fine. But we’ll only be doing this IF he is nice, kind, caring and deserves the odd fake laugh. I have executed various fake laughs on many dates, only to find it was a waste of time anyway because he was a knob and didn’t deserve such a giggle. I’ll also admit I’ve executed one or two fake orgasms too. They were necessary…once again, not worth such effort in the end. But if you want the dude to feel special, sometimes you got to give them what they want to hear…a small laugh, or a loud scream.

4. Okay so I hate to agree on this one, but he’s bang on. Dressing like an outright slut? No way. Dressing like an old Victorian maid? Nope. You have to be alluring, sexy yet brimming with class and sophistication. He must admire your natural feminine charm, but also want to get into your knickers. It’s a bare fact that we have to pull this off, and still dress how we want to dress too. Like some days I think fuck it, and wear my flat shoes and leggings out…because my feet hurt from the gym and heels the night before. If he wants a perfect female all the time…go date a mannequin! The dress/skirt rule about exposing thigh but no vag is spot on, and I abhor the distinctly average ponytail too. Make It a top bun, make it a side plait, anything but the ponytail.

5. Once again, wish he was wrong but he isn’t. Men don’t actually care about how your work load is piling up, how you have no ‘me’ time, how your cat keeps throwing up, how your hair just doesn’t sit the same now it’s cut…no, they aren’t interested. Conversation is fantastic and finding out about each other is awesome, but your problem sharing is for your girlfriends! Not the dude, he’ll just switch off. And I have no idea about the orifices 10 times rule but I’d hedge a guess that is spot on too.

6. This is the most important one of all. It is indeed a fact us girls have to be both the good girl and the bad girl all rolled into one. Hence why there is the famous ‘Madonna vs Whore’ theory and of course the equally famous song lyrics: ‘lady on the street but a freak in the bed’. We have to be the person that turns him on, but doesn’t act like a flirt with anyone else, we need to dress to impress but never dowdy nor slutty, we must make him want to protect us but also stand our ground…it’s fucking exhausting. If you’re a confident girl you have to learn to be coy so he feels needed, if you’re a shy girl you must learn to speak up so he respects you too. They will desperately want to fuck you after a few dates, but then will respect you more and stay interested if you keep them at arm’s length. But not too long though, because then they’ll have moved onto someone else more accessible to fulfill their needs. My God, I am overwhelmed just thinking about it all.

7. 100% fact. Just peel a banana at your desk and see how many of the male colleagues suddenly glance up.


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