Fifty Shades of Shady

Everyone knows, if a woman suspects her man of doing the dirty she can start investigations that rival the CIA. This is standard for every female on the planet. Notch her up to a highly intelligent woman and you’ve got a constant bomb ready to blow on your hands.

She can find out exactly what you did last Friday at 11pm even though you were too drunk to even remember yourself. Whilst she sat and listened to you try talk your way round and explain you passed out at a mate’s house, be warned, she already knows you ended up in a strip club. She’s just testing to see if you’ll actually own up. That quiet smile as she listens to your alibi? Don’t trust it mate. Run.

Social media hasn’t helped this particular situation, oh no. Back in the good ol’ days people could tell a few white lies and no-one would question it…if he text on his Nokia 5110 and said he was home, then that was that. Couples thus could go to bed happy and life was easier with less rows. Now, all it takes is a badly timed retweet or a post comment from your drunk mate and shit will hit the fan big time…

“You said you were in bed by 10pm? Then how comes you were tagged at 1am in a status that was located at that Irish bar I know you like…”

You get the picture. But my issue with all this is not the CIA inspired social media stalking – it’s the reason this happens in the first place. The shadiness. The goddamn lurky shady ass behaviour that forces people to act like they’re conducting their own private investigation on their loved one. My massive problem is just this:

Why be fifty shades of shady in the first place?

If I am exclusive to a guy or in a relationship aka any possible situation where I am not single, this does not stop me from going out and getting wasted until 3am. Being with someone does not stop me going on girly weekends away and passing out or going for ‘one drink’ after work and ending up in Essex with no phone battery left. This happens to the best of us, single or taken. It’s called alcohol and, erm, life.

But what I won’t do is lie about it the next day. If he asks me why he couldn’t get through to me – I’d explain. I got drunk and ended up at my mate’s house singing with her dog and trying to eat a cold pizza in the rain. I certainly wouldn’t have a go at him for asking because, being somewhat of an intelligent human being with at least one brain cell, I can figure out it doesn’t look great. If I were him, I’d ask too. So I deliver the truth and, get this, because it IS the truth everything on my social media corresponds to my story, so he doesn’t then feel like he needs to call MI5 and get the squad down.

The issue and the rows begin when the person in question acts all shady and comes out with a mismatch story that doesn’t quite make much sense. Basically, they lie to cover up their own arse. Believe it or not, we have this thing called ‘gut instinct’ and this kicks in when you act all shady as fuck. We then begin the stalking, find out information we didn’t want to see or know, then it’s all ‘hello argument’ or worse still, ‘hello break-up’. Typical routine unravels as per below:

F: Questions you because she thinks you’re lying

M: Cannot believe she’d question you or bother going through your stuff

F: Explains she shouldn’t have to comb through Facebook to find out the truth

M: Demands more privacy in the relationship and calls her crazy

F: Starts crying because she feels lied to and made out to be the bad one here

M: Tell her she suffocates him and he shouldn’t have to lie to go out

F: States she isn’t bothered about him going out it’s the lies she can’t stand

M: Claims he lies only because he knows he’ll get shit off her if he tells the truth anyway

And so the vicious fifty shades of shady circle begins. Who is to fault here? Is she not letting him do what he wants and forcing him to lie, or, is he making her paranoid and insecure because he lies to her in the first place? Tricky tricky tricky. Feels very similar to the ol’ chicken and egg scenario we’ve all got going on. What o what came first?

Want my nugget of wisdom to help stop this from happening? Drop the shady shades and be honest in all situations. If she has a go at you for going out whatever you did or didn’t do then maybe you need to re-evulate the relationship anyway. But if she has a go at you for being shady and lying to her then she has valid cause for concern. This is how it works:

Men usually lie not because they did anything wrong but because they just want to avoid an argument at all costs.

Women don’t give a toss how many shots and beers you had, they give a shit that you lied to their face about it all.

It’s that simple. We don’t like LIES so stop telling them! Even if you’re completely innocent, by lying to us you make yourself look guilty. How can you not see that? The lies make everything 10x worse than what it really is. The fact is, we’re all humans too and we have been there…too drunk to function and thinking a night bus to Chiselhurst is a good idea (seriously Stephie, let’s not do that again). We understand. We’re not quite the monsters you paint us to be. If you came out with the truth at the beginning we’d probably laugh at you, ask how much money you spunked in Burger King then crack on with the day. Isn’t that the outcome everyone wants? SO WHY LIE!

And guess what…yep…once you start telling small lies she’ll stop believing you when you’re telling the truth and the CIA investigations will continue and you’ll feel stalked and there will be more arguments and you’ll both end up hating each other and leaving. God it’s exhausting just writing it. If you want to be with her and you love her then don’t lie. How else do I put that? Just don’t lie.

Or, consider this. Imagine how it would feel if she started acting shady, telling you one thing but Twitter says quite another, or her whatsapp is turned off all weekend or she claimed to be in bed by 10pm but girls wrote comments on her Facebook page which disputed that.

Could you still trust her? Would you be annoyed she lied? Wouldn’t you want to find out why?


Drop the shady and we’ll drop the social stalking. Deal? Cool.


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