Bastards: A Spotters Guide

It’s often difficult for us to spot the bad boys from a mile away – rendering our instinct useless and making all sorts of wrong decisions. It’s why we end up in those sticky situations that only a cocktail and friends to discuss can sort it all out. But here at least we have outlined three types of guys that are well worth staying away from the get go!

The Fisherman 

Characteristics: Smooth, distant, over reliance on appearance, lack of empathy, Mother issues. 

Style: Abercrombie & Fitch, Calvin Klein and Hackett. 

The Fisherman is a classic male archetype. He is known to cast his net wide where there is little or no chance of his “catch” being associated. His main aim in life is to validate his lack of character by initiating a “catch and release” programme for his chosen prey. He will appear initially very alluring, almost flaunting his prowess at you until you take the bait. Once caught up in this man’s net he will feed you just enough charm to keep you hooked. Easily bored of his sport, the Fisherman will then throw back his catch…but leave them on a long lure to ensure that, when the mood strikes, he can reel them back in again with ease. Fishermen only ever settle down when their looks start to wane and they become desperate for a mate. Rest assured…once a Fisherman, always a Fisherman. Don’t ever be fooled into thinking you are special, unique or worth more to him than the rest of his pool of ladies. 

The Emotional Vampire (EV) 

Style: Borrowed and adapted for whomever they are feeding off. 

Characteristics: Involved, attentive, seemingly engaged in your needs, quick to say he loves you, male equivalent of a “Drama Queen”, likely to be on Jeremy Kyle at some stage 

The Emotional Vampire (or EV), is the quintessential over compensator. He stalks women who have more baggage than a long haul to Tokyo and exploits their vulnerability to feed his own emotional needs. If there is no baggage from the ladies then he will attempt to create some. Once he has latched onto a source he will bleed it for every last drop of drama he can, before moving on to the next host with his battle scars and tales of “the evil ex”. The more involved you become with the EV the harder it is to break the link. Many EVs have a litter of children that they have collected form each victim, thus ensuring his food source stays linked to him for years to come. The EV has one giveaway that separates him from a true man…he will self-efface and tell elaborate tales about his ex-girlfriends (plural), and how they all used him and how he is the victim, time and time and time again. He is quick to use the L word and almost immediately makes long term plans. Beware of this man. He will never be content in any relationship based on mutual respect. 

The Slick Dick 

Style: Bespoke, Tailored suits. Anything with a Label 

Characteristics: Good job, money (and plenty of it), not the greatest looking…but endless charm and banter, either divorced or has had at least one very long term relationship. 

Beware the charming man. The Slick Dick is not interested in marrying you. He is not interested in making an honest woman of you. You will merely be his plaything for as long as your tits point upwards. He will shower you with tokens and call you a pet name, because remembering your real one implies he gives a fuck. He will work everything to his schedule and never have time for any activity that implies you are an item. Many women fall for this guy’s charm under the impression that he is the “Mr Big” to their “Carrie”…all of these women are wrong. The Slick Dick knows the game better than you, has played it longer, and practically wrote the book on how to be a bastard. Any man that offers gifts over genuine affection is to be kept at arm’s length…or set up on a date with your best “Frenemy”. Not a decent long term prospect. 


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