Queen of Hearts vs Queen of Clubs

As far as I can see, we ladies have two paths to strut along
when we’re surviving in the dating maze. 
With plenty of pretty Alices hovering around and copious white rabbits and
mad hatters leading us down dead end holes, we have to pick how we react.  Are you a Queen of Hearts or Clubs?

Queen of Clubs is, as the namesake states, always on guard.  Her sceptical views over the ‘honesty’ of men overrules her heart, and she will usually take everything they say with a pinch of salt (slice of lime and tequila for the hardcore QoC!) She flourishes on dates, confident and enthralling, but knows when she is wasting her time and moves on.  To put it bluntly, she doesn’t take any shit.  Lest we not forget, she is a woman too and is still looking for her ‘one’, but as soon as she sees his fabricated stories roll off the tongue, she pulls her club out of her clutch, gives him a metaphorical bash round the face and is on her way.  The guy who gets the Queen of Clubs to put her weapon down and rest easy will be the guy who really deserves such an action.

Queen of Hearts, on the flip-side, is open, honest and hopeful from the word go.  As perceived, she does wear her heart on her sleeve, and is always hoping that the next guy she starts to date will reciprocate her feelings.  Of course she is consistently allowing herself to get hurt by being so true with her emotions, never playing games, falling for what the guys say and believing them to always be truthful.  It is a constant risk as a guy can see a Queen of Hearts a mile off, and if he’s a scumbag, well, he’ll just enjoy the attention for a bit until he realises she’s in too deep and it’s time to perform his vanishing act. But, QoH will never change her ways and perhaps she’ll be rewarded in the long run by a guy who is as equally bored of game playing and cherishes her honesty and devotion and will return it all ten fold….these two then live happily ever after.

I have spent the past billion years (slight exaggeration but you get my jist) being a Queen of Clubs.  Feed me a line?  I wrote the book mate.  Woo me with dinners?  Great, but lobster doesn’t make me swoon.  Tell me I’m beautiful…sure, I know, but don’t think a compliment will get you into my knickers.  Oh, hotel rooms booked and presents delivered?  How very unique. *rolls eyes*  Glance at her arse while I’m talking and I’m out the door before you can even offer me another drink. I will admit it has kept me pretty happy (ish), but it is exhausting. Always assuming what the potential datee says is bullshit makes conversation difficult, and leaves us ladies looking like shrewd spinsters rather than ‘wise’ owls.  To let the love in, they say, you have to drop the armour at some point.

Proof I was a Queen of Hearts once upon a time..

So, I changed my way.  A guy drifts into my life, and after weeks of ‘sussing’ him out and over analysing everything he did or said, I put my club down and became a Queen of Hearts.  I believed him when he said he was ‘seeing just me’, when he said he feels so much more for me than anyone else, when he surprised me with gifts and travelled hours in a car just to see me for an hour.  When he cuddled me like I was going to run off, I melted, and when he kissed my forehead like I was his ‘baby’, I melted some more.  I even told him… duh duh duh…. that I was falling in love.  Because I was!  And as a QoH this is normal, to say exactly how she feels, no matter if he doesn’t return it or if it might ‘scare’ him off. 

I was a fucking idiot. He wasn’t just seeing me…me and plenty others!  His ‘stalker ex’ who kept messaging me explaining that everything he is doing with me, he did with her, all lines, all crap etc was not a nutter as he tried to make out….she’s actually pretty cool.  She’s just been fed his shit before too and as he was still playing us off against each other, she felt the need to prove she wasn’t a liar.  Queen of Hearts was rewarded not with love and respect and a relationship, but pain and rows and misery and ‘I feel like a fucking mug’.  Oh, and this isn’t the first time people, ohhhh noooo….I was a QoH before, I was even engaged but that was a bust when it came out he was cheating pre and post engagement!  Oh hello Club…I had missed you.

So, why do we do it?  I was rather enjoying my dating life as a Queen of Clubs, then I fell for a black heart who trod all over my Queen of Hearts. Why bother with QoH at all?  I’m not.  I think you have to be a real special kind of woman to be strong enough to keep laying your heart out each time and then scooping up the pieces ready to offer to the next tosser who fancies a bit of skirt.  I know we ALL hope to find true love, and it seems QoH will get us there much quicker, but trust me she doesn’t.  Be a Queen of Clubs, keep your guard up and hold the club over your chest until, he has proven himself to be a King of Clubs…only then do you give him your heart and put the weapon down.  

And in case you’re wondering, yes there are two more
options.  Queen of Diamonds is self
explanatory, she just wants that rock on the finger to feel whole and doesn’t
mind too much if the guy is a total douche.  Sure, she’s married and will tell everyone in ear shot how amazing her husband is, but behind closed doors she’s probably bored as fuck and irritated having to dote on her man 24/7.  She’ll rub her diamond in your face, but she misses the life she had before the ball and chain.

And fuck me be wary if you ever meet a Queen of Spades…she has lived her life as a Queen of Clubs and got bored of every fuck up, now she’s already
holding the shovel waiting patiently to bury the body after you screw her over.

I am now a Queen of Spades.  You have been warned.



  1. Anonymous
    June 4, 2012 / 10:56 am

    Your imagination is outstanding, and the way you have with words its fucking awesome.LOVED IT!

  2. Anonymous
    June 4, 2012 / 10:57 am

    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS NIXALINA!!!!QoC over QoH any day of the week!Wicked read you smashed this one

  3. thesweetmaris
    June 7, 2012 / 5:30 am

    If you want to take it further you can look at their counterparts in Tarot. The Queen of Hearts is associated with the Queen of Cups (who represents water signs: Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces).The Queen of Spades is associated with the Queen of Swords(who represents air signs: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius).The Queen of Diamonds = Queen of Pentacles (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn).The Queen of Clubs = Queen of Wands (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius).

  4. ulfilias
    June 26, 2012 / 10:18 am

    Is it wrong to go Ooooh Queen Of Spades is pretty ;-)Actually hun….Whatever you do, there is going to be pain. Even if you find the worlds most awesome guy (me?), one of you dies first and leaves the other heart broken. Pain is guarenteed. However this isn't morbid, it is liberating as the game stops being avoiding the pain, but loving for all that you've got, as long as you can!

  5. Michelle slatter
    December 20, 2012 / 12:47 pm

    Great article Im the queen of wands (clubs) all the wayHere's the good and the bad!"The characteristics of the Queen are adaptability, persistent energy, calm authority which she knows how to use to enhance her attractiveness. She is kindly and generous, but impatient of opposition. She has immense capacity for friendship and for love, but always on her own initiative.There is as much pride in this card as in the Knight, but it lacks the spontaneous nobility which excuses that error. It is not true pride, but self-complacent vanity and even snobbery.The other side of her character is that she may have a tendency to brood, come to a wrong decision thereon, and react with great savagery. She may be easily deceived; then she is likely to shew herself stupid, obstinate, tyrannical. She may be quick to take offence, and harbor revenge without good cause. She might turn and snap at her best friends without intelligible excuse. Also, when she misses her bite, she breaks her jaw!The Queen of Wands is passionate and attractive."http://supertarot.co.uk/minor-wands/queen.htm

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