Ladies, ladies, ladies. I need to talk to you. All of you. We need to discuss the contraceptive coil *insert gasp and panic here*. At the age of 29 I decided to embrace some actual long-term contraception because I have met 'the one'. Yeah...you read right. I'm all loved up and shit.
Sure, I am also at the age where children might be on my imminent to-do list. Yes, I am pretty confident this particular guy is going to be the one that tames me (noooooooooooo) into marriage and family crap. HOWEVER, right now, no fucking way. Having a child at this moment in time wouldn't be a blessing it would be my worst nightmare. So, long term contraception is thus required.
Having done my own research and been on la pill before, I decided the best option for my crazy ass is something hormone free. Welcome everyone, to the copper coil. I shan't bore you with the scientific crap because you've all got access to the internet too...but long story short, the copper coil is hormone free and once inside, keeps you baby free too for years. SWEEEETTT. Sign me the fuck up.
Whilst I could find lots of facts on the coil insertion online, I couldn't really find many 'real' accounts. Save ones from women who have already had children, thus having a very different stance on pain due to labour. All I knew at this point is that it CAN hurt on insertion but it's over in a few minutes, and then you get cramps and some bleeding after for a bit.
THIS IS THE MOST UNDERSTATED COMMENT I'VE EVER FUCKING READ.
So, for all those wanting to perhaps get a coil but not sure about what ACTUALLY happens, here I am to save the fucking day and give you the real low-down on this delightful contraception method. I shall start from the beginning. I shall express myself through the medium of gifs, for extra lols on your part. No lols over here with me. Absolutely none.
My darling boyfriend who is the actual reason I'm even fucking doing this, picks me up to take me to the clinic. How sweet. I get in the car anxious as fuck because I'm pretty sure what's about to happen to me is NOT going to be fun. He is all happy and jokey and full of banter and when I ask if he's even bothered to Google wtf I am about to go through....he hadn't. This was what I felt like doing:
However, he was with me and I was going to need him so I figured, bite the bullet and crack on.
When I strolled into the clinic, I was an anxious mess. But the two nurses did actually manage to calm me the fuck down and one even made me laugh so I thought, actually, how bad can this be? Apparently, the procedure is over in a couple of minutes, it can be uncomfortable and sometimes painful, then I could possibly have bleeding and mild cramps. Okay, well, my period pains every month render me incapable of even walking so I feel well equipped to deal with some pain down below. In hindsight, when the nurses were chirping on about how quick and easy it will be, I should have said this...
They explained to me what physically is about to happen. They need to use one of those speculums to open up my cervix and then the coil goes in, speculum comes out and voila. Most women find the painful bit the 'cervix opening' bit. I've never had my cervix opened. I had a smear or two before but I can't recall what even happened with that because I barely felt a thing.
After some more chit chat and lots of soothing tones, I'm on the bed half naked with one nurse by my head and the other lubing up and fingering me. Oh, okay then. Have a nice feel around in there did ya? I won't judge.
After that, the speculum went in and I'm not going to lie, that isn't the most fun I've ever had. I'm used to it, but it still is damn uncomfortable every time it goes in. In fact, she had to tell me to stop pushing it back out...I was like I'm not pushing anything out I'm just very lucky with my pelvic muscles!!!
THEN, the good shit started.
I say good shit because I like to be sarcastic and in times of real trauma, all you can do is attempt to laugh.
Whatever she did to my cervix, it didn't feel like she was opening it up...oh no...it felt like she was SETTING IT ON FIRE AND TRYING TO BURN ME OUT FROM THE INSIDE. The pain is indescribable. It immediately made me feel sick, dizzy, nauseous, I involuntarily screamed AND cried all at the same time. I looked up at the evil nurse holding my hand who was attempting to calm me the fuck down whilst the other one was still arm deep inside my vagina.
I am in a haze of pain and the nurse hanging around by my crotch THEN says... she's about to insert the coil. Sorry.... sorrryyyy.... WHAT? Why is it not already fucking inside yet? WHY? I am in agony of which I cannot possibly put into words for y'all to understand - all I can say is anyone who has previously had a coil will totally get what I am talking about and everyone else... just nope. So I'm now sobbing and feeling sick and my pulse is being checked and I am having to THEN endure the actual shitty little cunt copper coil being pushed inside of me. All I kept moaning over and over was - get what ever this thing is out of me asap. I swear, they MUST have thought I said this when I walked in:
When what I ACTUALLY said was the complete opposite.
Yes, I can confirm they were right - it takes only a few minutes to actually insert it. But those few minutes are just full of pure pain and agony. I cannot possibly tell you how awful it was. After that shitty little speculum was finally removed (had it been in there 5 years? It felt like 5 years to me) they hurried around me to get a sanitary towel so I then knew I was already fucking bleeding, and then checking my pulse again and asking me if I need water or feel faint. I DID feel faint but the pain was keeping me very much conscious thank you very much. They then left me to collect myself:
I had been in there for around 25 minutes before I managed to get dressed (complete with brick sized sanitary towel in my knickers) and waddle out to my boyfriend sitting waiting. I had mascara run down my face from all the tears and I walked like a broken woman. Truth be told...I was a broken woman. I had actively done this to myself, so had no-one else to blame (but blaming my man seemed like the right thing to do at the time). After all, I had to go through all this cunt crap just because...I have a cunt? How is that ok?
Having someone to drive you home is CRUCIAL because the cramping started immediately. I climbed into the passenger seat and sat there holding my womb like I was nursing a bullet wound. I carried on crying all the way home and as soon as I got in, I changed into PJs (an essential for such a day) and he made me a tea and hot water bottle.
That evening was fucking HELL. Sorry to disappoint you if you thought the worst was over....ohhhhh no. I spent the whole evening in pain or crying or having a go at my boyfriend for no reason at all, just because he has a penis and I have a vagina and I felt victimized by gender selection.
Even an hour bath and back-to-back painkillers and repeated hot water bottles did nothing for my pain. NOTHING. Not even a whole bar of chocolate (another essential) helped. I was in agony. I am used to severe cramps but this is just another level of womb invasion pain and misery. I could only dose up on the drugs and hope that I'd wake up the next day feeling back to my normal self - the person I was before the coil invaded my womb lining and my entire life.
I should be so bloody lucky. The following day was basically a shit load of this...
I am now on day 6 and it STILL FUCKING HURTS. I've had a hot water bottle strapped into loose trousers every damn day, along with pain killers too. I've even gone back to the clinic to discuss getting this shitty Satanic coil out of me...but I have to wait another week before any kind of removal can be considered because we've been having sex ergo I could get preggers if I remove it now. Which would be the ultimate slap in the face and hilariously ironic, don't you think?
Since this precious day last week, I've been very vocal to anyone and everyone about the coil. Some women tell me they felt nothing. I see...
I am being brutally honest with you all because I wish I had something to read like this before I signed myself up for the procedure of pain and misery with Satan's coil. I mean, the contraceptive copper coil insertion. If you haven't previously had children, it is highly likely it will fucking hurt you too. OBVIOUSLY, we're all different, our bodies are unique and our pain thresholds are all variable too. But this fucking procedure is likely to be pretty damn horrific and if you think it's going to be a walk in the park, think again girlfriend.
Before I go and probably pop some more fucking painkillers, here's a checklist for anyone considering getting a coil fitted:
1. Do not get it fitted alone. Always take someone with you.
2. If possible, do not drive after or walk home. Get someone to drive you back.
3. Expect pain during insertion.
4. Expect immediate cramps that are NOT mild and do NOT go away within a day or two.
5. Expect bleeding that is kinda annoyingly there but also not a full period - you know - that spotting phase where you can't use a towel but can't go without either. Cool.
6. Be prepared before your visit - get hot water bottle, painkillers and chocolate ready.
7. Take pain killers before you go, an hour before (I think) to try ease some of the immediate pain.
8. Do your research on what is to be expected to prepare yourself (although this blog is pretty damn accurate).
9. Understand that this is an invasive procedure and will not be a one day affair. No it won't.
10. Accept it may not be right for you, and you may want to take it out. Don't keep it in if you can't stand it...nobody likes a needless hero.
Oh, and to my darling boyfriend...I leave you with this appropriate gif: