You have no idea how longggggggggggg it has been since I actually liked a dude. I'm pretty sure it was Mr. Who last summer, and since then every guy that has drifted into my path hasn't done much for me. Perhaps Mr.Who was more like Dr.Who and zapped away my want to actually be around men. I'm not talking just sex...I mean everything. I lost my dating va-va-voom. Give a shit...I certainly didn't.
Yet, when I was into Mr.Who, or any of the previous delights (take your pick really), I was always wishing I was just happy single, for being single and happy was the ultimate step in being happy in a relationship. To learn to be content and happy exactly as you are is the ultimate aim of consciousness. I thought that state of mentality would be 10x more healthier and better than being with a dude that was always throwing up drama quicker than a bulimic after dinner. So surely that now I can't even be bothered to accept a dinner invitation because I'm cool doing my own thing...I have reached the ultimate 'happy' state. Yes? Erm...no. I actually preferred it when I was at least interested in entertaining the thought of someone being around. I was, in hindsight, still on the relationship path in some form. That was healthier I feel, to still at least want to try find someone else. The relationship path was a good place. Now I'm sitting on the grass verge with a book and a worn out vibrator. Don't feel sorry for me and my trusty ol' rabbit - it is certainly not through lack of offers of interest. I just stopped giving any kinds of fuck about men.
Along with this thought, I have also of late been rejecting guys who were clearly 1) nice 2) interested 3) wanting to spend actual time with me 4) not a dickhead. Whilst I was dating non-committal game-playing troglodyte I was wishing I could just stumble upon a nice guy...and when I then did I lost interest. Whilst they smother me with the affection and attention the last few lacked...it was exactly that; smothering. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and thus became the 'guy' in the situation by offering no real commitment to any next date, not texting first or calling and just generally being aloof. I longed to be just single again, dreading any conversation where he asks if we're heading somewhere together. Suddenly, a relationship seemed like a prison sentence, not something I was in need for after all. Please note I wasn't being a douche to the nice guys on purpose but if I am not blown over with butterflies and passion, I can't then re-create that feeling. Alas, it seems butterflies do not follow suit when I am not feeling like I need to work for the man's affection. I know I knowwwwww it is the age-old rule of being attracted to a bad man but this fucking sucks. Because, at this rate, I'll either marry a dickhead who I adore but who treats me with a nonchalant attitude, or, I opt to marry the nice guy then spend my weekends on vacation with the girls just to search for my own personal space again.
So from all this information, it is pretty clear to see that: When I am single I want to be in a loving relationship, when I am single and happy I wish I was half interested in at least one man, when I am interested in a man I wish I was just single and happy, when I am with a bad boy I want a nice guy and when I am with a nice guy I am not interested. I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination with this kind of mentality. It falls nicely into the overused anecdote "We all want what we can't have".
This very human instinct is a bit of a motha fucka when it comes to love. I believe it a strong player in the reason behind all the affairs, cheating, break-ups and discontent that ripples through relationships across the globe. I imagine this tiny little bright pink goblin, whose name is 'want / can't have', running around all over the joint infusing ideas into people's heads whenever they're a little bit happy. BOOP – got ya, now you fancy tall red heads best dump that short brunette you got right there. BOOP, got ya again...now you like working late nights in the office rather than going home... you get the idea. We seem to chase a dream, a want, and then when we have it we realise perhaps it isn't as grand as we originally envisioned. That doting wife turns into a nagging witch not dissimilar to something out of a Disney movie, and that charming nice man evolves into a boring wet sap who practically deserves to be cheated on for being such a utilitarian bore. What is worse is that, you have to finally admit to yourself that you wanted something until you actually got it. Thus follows the other overused phrase that sums this scenario up very nicely:
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side
So my question is, when actually IS the goddamn grass green on your own fricking side? When do we become happy with our current scenario, whatever our relationship status is? When will I be happy either with a nice guy or happily accepting a dick or happy single or happy JUST HAPPY!?! It's fucking exhausting always wanting whatever you don't have at that particular moment in time. If I dismiss all the nice guys and beeline only for tossers, I'll only end up dating tossers moaning that I can't just find a nice guy to settle down with. And that sounds fucking boring even for me...I wouldn't have to write any new articles just continually recycle ones already published on a yearly turnaround. Same old shit, different dude. Name change and we're done, hit *publish*. What's the fucking point?
And to all those who believe they are inherently, irrevocably, undeterminably happy with everything they currently have... I pray do tell me... how on earth did you do it? When did you decide your grass was almost evergreen it was so green...was it an epiphany one night when Venus and Mars aligned? How do you know? How do you stop the preoccupation of your mind wandering off into a land where you dwell in a parallel universe that offers you all the opposite of what you actually have here? I want to come home every day to a lovely guy who doesn't bore me to tears. I want to be able to look at a beautiful arsehole and laugh knowing I have 10x better at home in bed. I want to be cool with the present without metaphorically dipping into my past or trying to see into the future. Put the tarot cards down Nix.
Do I need to purchase some super high powered sprinkler to ensure my grass verge is so green it makes Shrek look a dull shade of yellow? Or do I purchase an Evergreen tree and live under that for the rest of my days? Will my 'want / can't have' goblin always hang around on purpose to stop me from being just happy? Little shit needs to do one.