Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Two’s a Couple, Three’s a Cheating Crowd


I have come to the conclusion, through logical rational after-thought, that I really am reading from an outdated dating rule book. In my traditional (and apparently wrong) mindset, when you enter into a relationship with someone, you are their girlfriend and they...your boyfriend. This is right, right?
What you don't ever expect is to find out that you're not the only girlfriend your boyfriend has. That shit surely only happens in bizarre distant colonies where, for reasons I can never fathom, mistresses and girlfriends all chill out with their partner and his 5 wives. Guess what...it happens in London too! Yep, my boyfriend had another girlfriend. Who gets to say they've experienced that! Me, that's who.

I won't bore you for too long with the ins and outs. We met in a similar if not exact same fashion as I met Mr. Who – I was walking to the station after a killer 12 hour shift and I looked a state. I hadn't been arsed to wash my hair so I did the generic backcomb and lots of hairspray 'up do', and was wearing a tee that said 'bad taste in men, good taste in shoes' (take time to note the serious irony in this slogan!). Hardly screams 'I want to bump into my next beau' does it? But low and behold I walk past this guy and for whatever reason, I looked back at him to find he was looking back at me. Nice touch. He comes over and asks for my number and as they say, the rest is history. The End.

I'm justttttttt kidding, it's never that easy with me is it!

We go on a couple of dates and he's instantly on my case. Texting all day long, asking to see me at every possible moment, and insinuating he wants me to be 'his' and his alone. At first I thought it was sweet that he was so into me. This is like the fucking movies man! He even said that the way we met was out of a film. True, it was. He came to stay at my pad, met my two best friends, and by the time he leaves the next day I am in a relationship. An official one. Erm....to say it was quick is an understatement. Not even Bolt could out-run the speed of our union, and I was kinda freaked out by it. But, I decided to actually give a guy who really likes me a shot – it makes a change from dating someone who secretly hates me and trying to get him to see my plus points. So I just rolled with it. I even changed my facebook status *fuck it MUST be official* and would turn down other potential suitors because, I had a boyfriend.

So far, it sounds glorious doesn't it? It was, for like a fucking week max. His 'I want to be with you' evolved into constant exhausting rows about his insecurities with me potentially cheating on him, and I was continually going above and beyond to reassure him I wasn't. He'd know what I was up to all the time, although ironically I often had no idea what he was doing because his phone would be off or he'd just not answer, then come back to me the next day with some reasonable excuse.  I accepted not because I was an idiot, I just didn't want more rows. I am kinda chilled out when I am in a relationship...I don't see the point in questioning them because if they're my boyfriend, I offer trust completely. 

Cracks began to expose themselves like the start of a land slide – he refused to add me on facebook for starters. He did screenshot his 'in a relationship' status and text me it as proof he was into me, but made up some reason why he didn't want to add me on facebook just yet, and I willfully dropped the subject. The day I found him on instagram, his account apparently 'locked him out' as he forgot his password and thus deleted his account, causing him to have to set up a new one. At this point I was like dude, this is so fucking dodge are you sure you're 'only with me' to which he calls and explains that I'm being fucking stupid...of course he's just with me. Ironically though, he made sure I left the photo of him that I posted onto my instagram, because he wanted to make it clear I'm with only him.

As the 'relationship' progressed, he'd have a go at what I wore, or assume every time I was busy doing something else that I was with another man. It got exhausting, and I ended it. He didn't seem to care at all. Low and behold a week later he's all sorry and says he's had a think and he wants to do this, so I say listen...it all went a bit fast, can we just date for a bit please? Sure, he says. Then 5 days after this convo he's reminding me to ensure people know I have a boyfriend. Wait, did I not clarify we we're just dating? I head off to a party and he calls me before I go out to admit he does love me, and he's just scared of getting hurt. Sure...aren't we all.


Roll on a few days and he's gone off radar again and I thought, fuck you and your double standards, and after some coincidental stalking, it turns out the lying fucker has a girlfriend. Another girlfriend. He has two. TWO GIRLFRIENDS. He'd been with her a good two months before he then met me, and made me his secondary girlfriend. Because, apparently, one is just not enough! Who knew eh! She is lovely, and as we chat it turns out he similarly often accused her of cheating and she ended it...the very same weekend he comes back to me saying he has had a think and wants to do this.

Now, we all know what the Nixalina-finds-out-the-dude-is-cheating temper is like. I'm sure you can imagine! I went fucking spastic at him. I revealed I had found out by a simple whatsapp text 'YOU FUCKING LYING CHEATING BASTARD' with a follow up voicemail as his phone was OFF because, knowing him, he was probably on a date with a new one. When he eventually turns his phone on he calls and calls and calls and calls and calls and I scream FUCK OFF a few times before I answer and listen. Was he genuinely upset? Course not. He was more concerned with how I found out...after all, the boy had never added me and had social media security tighter than HM Prison Wakefield. First fuck up dude – dating a girl who is more intelligent than you. When o when will they ever learn?

So you see, I am a bit stumped for any previous rational ideals on relationships. Firstly, I assumed when dudes were playing away, they kept their side dish on the sly to the main course. They don't order two steaks and chomp their way through both. I can't understand why HE pushed me into a relationship knowing he already had a girlfriend? Funnily enough she tells me he changed his 'in a relationship' status back when she changed hers...so he merrily screenshotted his proof of a relationship with her, and sent it to me as proof of his relationship with me. Nice guy. I also can't understand why he was always on my case about me cheating. He used to continually express that in any situation he doesn't come second and that he better be the only one. Funnily enough mate, as I had accepted you were my boyfriend I didn't have another boyfriend lurking in the wings – call me a bluff old traditionalist! In my world, three really is a crowd. When I get married, I would like to be the only wife, not the secondary wife with their first marriage hand-me-downs. So it led me to think...

Is monogamy an outdated concept?

Before you all start, no, he was not my 'typical' type. You'd never have expected it, I certainly didn't. He was socially shy without a drink, he wasn't model looking by any stretch of the imagination and he was so possessive over me, I refused to entertain any thoughts that he was dating other girls, let alone physically in two relationships. Where the Hell do men get off on doing shit like this? I've over-analyzed it continually and I've come to a few possible conclusions; he's just a wanker, he was bowled over by me but didn't have the bollox to break it off with her so dragged both on until one of us caved, he loves himself so much he feels he deserves more than one missus, he's addicted to sex and one person can't provide enough slots in the week for his sex-drive orrrrrr he really is just a wanker. All are plausible, take your pick. As I explained to him on the phone – you've lost her, you've just lost me, so tell me what you now have? Nothing, he said. Exactly...you've got nothing because that's all you fucking deserve.

So enough about him, let's take a look at the two poor girls who he's hurt. Do men ever stop to think about the implications of their actions? For me this is literally the straw that broke the camel's back...I have absolutely no interest in dating men for a very long time. Even if I did go on a date...the poor dude would be grilled within an inch of his life, and I'd still not believe him. If I met a guy and he tells me he is single when he already has a girlfriend...what hope is left for me to trust anything any of them say now? He's fucked it up. And she must feel so used and dirty too, the emotional exhaustion of being accused of cheating all the time...only to find out the dude was two timing you anyway. He's ruined the little trust I had mustered left in man-kind, and I dare say he's done the same for her too. And what has he got out of it? What really was the point of it all? It's so fucked up. I am a big believer in handling people's emotions with care, if they put their heart in your hand you have a duty to keep it well. Not throw it over the fucking bridge and watch a motorboat tear it to shreds. Ok, enough with the analogies.

Seriously...give me a hoard of cats any day of the week. Guys can fucking do one.

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