Monday, 1 February 2016

Top 10 Online Dating Tips for Dudes


Online dating is a tough portal to embrace, yet many take an easy breezy nonchalant attitude towards it, more so the dudes than the dolls. I have found throughout my online travels that they'll often just upload one blurry okayish image and simply write 'message me if you want to find out more, I love life and I'm a crazy one' or some other generic boring bio and then expect you to jump at them.
These people do not get dates. These people do not attract nice normal potentials to go and hang out with. They attract weirdos with a webcam or cyber stalkers. No-one wants to be this person. Like...ever.

And so, armed with my ample experience across many an online dating platform and extensive dating knowledge, I have outlined some dating tips for you beautiful men to read, absorb and adhere to. If only to save my own sanity and stop me receiving 20 of these messages every day: "Hi u ok? Wuu2? Wanna chat?" If you can't type out an actual message because you're too illiterate or too lazy, don't bother sending any kind of message to the girl who's profile clearly reads 'Writer and Editor'. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Anyway...onto the tips:

1. As touched upon above, actually read her profile. If she, like me, is a creative type I doubt she'll appreciate the 3 seconds it took for you to copy and paste WUU2? into her Inbox. Actually start a conversation with her and you have more or a chance in getting a response.

2. Ahhh, conservation. Another good point raised if I may say so myself – if you're after her attention, you need to show you deserve it. Be interesting, a tad funny, but ensure you ask a question at some point. If you give her a question to respond to, you have a higher rate of receiving an answer. Unless you're punching way above your weight and are messaging a girl that looks like she's a Victoria Secret's extra and you look like you could do a cameo in Lord of the Rings...maybe don't expect a reply then sweetheart.

3. Moving nicely onto my third point – don't punch above your weight. If you would never dream of going up to this girl in a bar or public space, don't try it online. You're still going to get the same response – rejection. Be sensible with your online interests and go for the girls you think you may have a chance with / get along with / find some chemistry.

4. Don't judge a profile by the profile photo. Yeah...you superficial bastards...stop it. Take the actual motha fucking time to READ what she wrote! Otherwise, what is the point of having profiles when we could all just upload photos of ourselves and let the messages flood in. If you're after something more meaningful than a quick fuck...you need to seek out similar interests or see if her profile makes you laugh.

5. Upload more than one photo of yourself. Come on now, is it really that hard? One photo which is slightly blurry of you and your mates pissed up is NOT going to get a response from any girl with half a brain. We need to be able to see YOU. We need genuine real life images of your face and your body. Stick to the rule of thumb if need be. One portrait, one long length and one 'fun' one is awesome.

6. Don't hide behind 'creative' imagery or worse still, someone else's photos. If I see a cleverly lit black and white photo as the main profile, I say to myself I bet he's ginger...and low and behold...I would be right. These sneaky images taken with one design in mind – to hide the true self – will ultimately not work. What are you going to do; wear a Venetian mask when you finally meet her? Or just never meet her ever? Then why waste everyone's time? And don't even get me started on those dudes who use someone else's photos – you're fucking weirdos and shouldn't be allowed internet access. 

7. Don't spill your life out into your profile. I know most guys can't be bothered to string a sentence together online, but I've seen quite a few of the other variety too. Literally ample paragraphs of text upon text upon text and I can't even imagine delving in to read it all. All I do is skip the page. Sorry but, be a bit savvy. You want to draw people in, not push them away.

8. Don't lie. If you say you're 6'0" tall but your images seem to suggest you're more 5"9" – we will notice. You may think you're being clever and drawing us in with the original height, and then maybe once we get talking to you we will bypass the fact that you're really quite short. No, dream on. Doesn't work like that. We're more left pissed off that you'd bother to lie in the first place.


9. Don't do this....this is not okay:


10. Nor is this...never do this. This really is never okay:



11. Addition via Matt Hamby: Turn off computer. Meet people outside. <--- This guy talks some sense. 

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