I dig the modern 'Sherlock' adaptation. I think Benny Cumbercunt (I'm joking, I know his real name is Benedick Cumbersnatch) is very sexy. There's something about the mixture of his supreme arrogance, his intelligence and his attire that makes me want to rip his clothes off.
So it makes sense that, my surname being Watson, I go on a delightful date with Benedict and he uses his charming Sherlock ways to woo me and before you know it we're dating and I'm in his bed. Job's a good'un. Except that is not what went down on my date, by any stretch of the imagination. It lasted 1 hour and 2 minutes exactly, and it went something more along the lines of this...
I met him off a dating site. Yah. A few exchanges back and forth and he asked to meet up for drinks and I was in two minds when my colleague convinced me just to go. Fuck it, alright then. I told him what time I finished work and he said he could meet me 2 hours after my finish time, so then I thought sod it I can't be arsed to wait and politely said we could raincheck. Low and behold he texts back a while later to say he can actually meet me earlier now. Eager I see. Fine, if he's gone to the trouble of rearranging his day then I should at least go. I loudly proclaimed to my Boss that I'm off to meet another weirdo and she pointed out the next day that I had already set the tone for my evening. It's not my fault realism has overtook optimism! If I have no expectations, at least I can never be disappointed. So we meet at exactly 6:32pm.
Let's just say, his pictures did him a great justice. Skinnier than I imagined, and shorter, he had a barnet that hadn't had much attention and his clothes overshadowed his tiny frame. Still, his eyes were beautiful and he had a sweet smile, so I wasn't completely put off by first impression. As he tries to find a place in Shoreditch for a drink I ended up taking control (I know, so unlike me) because I used to live there, so I knew the better pubs. He buys me a drink (nice) and as we sit down at a high standing table, he asked me to immediately swap seats because behind my head was a big mirror and he said he didn't want to be looking at me with a mirror behind. Okayyyyy.
As we're chatting, I ask about his background and he's all 'Ohh, I don't like delving into all that, but for the sake of the conversation I will...' and then proceeded to give me the low-down. A bit strange considering we're on a first date, so, of course I'm going to ask. So far, he seems okay. I've already worked out that I'm not bowled over by him, but maybe I'll see him again if he makes me laugh a bit more. But actually, the date took a turn for the worst. He tried to 'Sherlock' me.
These were his own words, not mine. 'I'm going to Sherlock you'. He tried to make up an idea of who I am purely from snippets of first impressions. I thought if that's what he wants to do, then fire away. I kept quiet and let him reel off what he had 'discovered' about me in all of 45 minutes we'd been together. His monologue went something along the lines of:
'You seem to be very aware of who you are. That's difficult to find these days. You are confident. Misplaced confidence. I'd usually say it came from your parents but I think it comes from your peers. Because of your voice in your writing...people listen. You do this alot...dates I mean. So I'm one of many. But you're sentimental too...deep down.'
Take a moment here readers to note, this wasn't that groundbreaking or perceptive. You only have to be around me for 5 minutes to see I have a very certain sense of 'self'. I've never been any other way. Assuming he'd done his research, not hard to work out I date a bit – I'm single, and I'm a Dating Writer. Peers over parents is easily done – Sex & London City is obviously going to be a hit with friends and readers over parents who'd probably not quite lavish in me founding a brand that has the words Sex and London in it. I mentioned I owned an apartment so he quickly assumed my site was successful, hence suggesting people listen. Sentimental comment was because I said I love the Castle near my pad and go for walks to soak up inspiration. It's all too easy. Anyway, there were two words that I caught on to and held on to for the demise of the rest of the date:
"misplaced confidence? So you're saying I don't deserve my own confidence?"
'No not at all. I don't think I actually said that...'
"Yes you did. I'd never put those two words together. You said that. Okay so it's my turn for you.....
You suggested I had misplaced confidence which is weird considering I only radiate actual confidence, leading me to deduce it is a projection of yourself onto me and that it is you who has the misplaced confidence. This is verified by your earlier request to switch seats with me as you didn't want to look in the mirror behind my head... leaving me to think this switch was down to two options. Either you're so arrogant & self-obsessed you can't see a mirror without checking yourself out continuously which you don't want me to cotton on to whilst we chat, or, you're super insecure and don't like catching your own reflection, especially on a date, as it is a visual reminder. I'm going to go with the latter considering you've arrived in a dark oversized jumper that doesn't 'show' yourself off, and you look away when I talk. As your first thought was that I do this date thing often...it is because you yourself do not, verified again by your earlier behaviour when I said I wouldn't wait so long after work and said we'll raincheck, then you managed to sort work out to leave earlier to ensure you met me. Nice, but, no-one who dates often would be that persistent. Most accept the raincheck request, so I knew you probably hadn't had a date in, say, a good month or more."
You may think I was an absolute Bitch, but if he hadn't of started it, I'd not have finished it. And rest assured, he didn't have much to say in response, because he knew I had been much more observant than he had. I had quietly taken things in without feeling the need to vocalize my own observations, whereas he felt like he could win me over with displaying his apparent wit, intellect and perception. Didn't work though did it? Because, and I sigh saying this, every guy I've ever met continuously underestimates my own intelligence vs theirs. Most dates I try curb all my previous thoughts, and I remain open minded and friendly and laugh in all the right places...but this one...I decided to meet him half way. Then go way beyond half way. I was both Watson AND Sherlock. Shame.
At exactly 7:34pm, an hour and two minutes from our tryst, I looked at my phone, said 'Ohhhhhhh shoot I have to go now' and then as quickly as I could I picked up my stuff and left him sitting there still with half a drink left. I don't usually do that, as yes, I did feel bad. Especially because I don't think he was a bad guy. I think he was actually a sweetie. He just tried too hard to impress, and it all went horribly wrong for him. If he hadn't used the phrase 'misplaced confidence' I'd not have been so offended and probably not have verbally annihilated him back. Before I even made it to my train he'd already text, and was desperate to see me again / make it up to me. He apologized for offending me, and he even said 'I've never spent so little time with someone and thought so highly of them'. Direct quote right there. Which is absolutely adorable, but I did not return such affection. So I simply responded 'you're sweet, but I feel my misplaced confidence would annoy you down the line, so we're better off as friends', and that, as they say, was that.
Guys, if you're reading this, here are some dating tips from this encounter: If she sits and listens to you, and laughs lots, and wears bright clothes etc, don't assume she is vacuous or has an IQ lower than you.
- Don't delve into a realm that isn't your expertise to impress, it may backfire.
- Don't make assumptions. You're probably wrong.
- If you have any insecurities, don't highlight them or reveal them. She'll be able to sniff them out like a Police dog in customs soon enough anyway.
- Wear nice clothes. Make it clear you made an effort. This is your first impression, so, why turn up in baggy dark oversized clothes? What would you think if she rocked up in joggers and a hoodie?
Girls, take note: If you get up very impromptu and leave him sitting there, chances are, he'll want to see you immediately again. I'm just saying, it works.