You ever had that guy who you know, deep down, is the biggest prick you've ever met but you can't quite get rid of him and move on? Yeah, I had that. Except I managed to cross over to the other side. This feature is all about that major prick and the mini journey I made.
This guy, well he was quite something. He was a selfish unreliable lying moron from the get go, and within the first week he'd behaved appallingly. I should have ditched there and then. My daddy thought he was "a complete and utter knob". My dad actually did meet the guy and on first glance thought he was okay until the dude fucked up and then he earnt his knob status. Fair, it was a really dick move he pulled on me.
On paper he was below my standards on just about every level too. I don't want to throw out humble brags like people do fake likes on Instagram or anything, but I know what I've got in all spheres. He was not on par at all. Yet somehow, he had me chasing him like I had no tomorrow. I was literally at this guy's beck 'n' call. The twat told me we were together, then cheated on me, then made shit official with 'the other woman' duh duh duhhh and then cheated on her with me – a right specimen of the male species.
I'm not throwing shade on his entire behaviour because I do believe parts of him cared about me – it was one part and it was erect for most of our encounters. Joking aside, I'm sure there were feelings there. But to string two girls along, lie and cheat on both with the other...who made you a fucking Adonis of the UK?
But enough about him, what about me? I suffered through 5 months of his crap and I can't blame him for that, that was all me. I'm the one who knew he was bad news but kept going back for more. I put myself through that suffering, that's the significant point here. I should and could have walked away 7 days in when his inner jerk came to the surface but instead I stayed around for another 5 months just to confirm to myself that yes, Daddy was right. He is a complete and utter knob.
Before we crack on to how I made the transition from being so into him to being completely free, first we have to dissect why I stuck around in the first damn place. No, I'm not just a masochist. I'm an intelligent woman with an objective mind-set, so I totally get it:
1. Being below my league, I assumed he'd pour himself all over me. When he didn't, he became more attractive in my head.
2. My ego cannot handle rejection, especially from someone I consider not worthy of myself. My ego wants to prove I can get him to fall for me too.
3. I like a challenge and the more he became unattainable the more I wanted him 'attained'. Standard procedure.
4. I confused sexual lust for love and thought I loved the guy. Hilarious in hindsight and all too common.
5. When there is another girl involved I automatically think: Game On!! I'll slay that plain jane right outta the water.
6. He was my sexual preference counterpoint so I found it rather...addictive. *ahem*
7. When guys pull out some proper dick moves on me I feel I need to prove I am worth loving and treating well, so instead of runnin' a mile I try even harder. Backwards logic, I know.
8. I get easily bored and enjoyed the daily attention.
Don't you try tell me that you can't relate to at least one of these, I know you're lying! It isn't a 'Nixalina' thing it's a human being thing and even though I can recognise what is going on, I can't stop it. I knew from the get go he was a short term pain in the arse, but I still stayed. I still put myself through all that. So who's the real moron here, this dude enjoying two different pussies and lying to everyone including himself, or, me?
Sooooo, if you're at the same place or you've been through this then you'll know how hard it is to break away. He's like a fucking drug right? Yah, I get that. So bad for you, but you want it anyway. You're thinking every day is a goddamn marathon of your life not to text him, right? You can't help but think about him and when he's next to you, you just melt. You know it's wrong but you need him and can't imagine being without him now. I know, I get it all.
But you CAN break away, and it won't mean months and months of sadness. It took me 48 hours! And I'm not talking about pretending to yourself that you're over it but actually being sooooo over it if he turned around tomorrow and declared his love for you, you'd decline and instead wonder what coffee you fancy. Sticky toffee latte from Costa please thank you. I genuinely just woke up one day and suddenly he wasn't a factor in my life on any level. I half cringe at the thought of him touching me now. It's so weird, it's a complete 180 flip literally overnight. Mother nature you work fast girl. But if you're lacking the immediate epiphany, thinking about the below is going to get you to where I am just as fast:
1. If you're Daddy doesn't like him and he likes everyone...well the dude is a bad egg. Same goes for the ol' Mother dearest too. Your parents are, unfortunately, pretty on the ball with your life and other humans in it.
2. If you can't talk to your friends about the dude because they're sick of listening to shit about him now – then that's enough evidence to fuck him off. Your girls will be your girls forever and they've got your back.
3. On paper, is he really worthy of you? No? Then look in the mirror and ask yourself WTF are you doing. Drugs are avoided for a reason, you get me?
4. Dignity and self-respect. Remember those? Yeah, get them back immediately.
5. Girl, he's treated you like shit. What makes you think anything is going to change? Get the hint, it isn't. You really want to put yourself through this on a long term basis? He's a grade A time waster and he has to go!
6. Be objective here, is he a little bit minging? Come on now. He is isn’t he. Sorry about that.
7. Are you happy to be the cameo in your own life movie, or are you the fricking leading lady? Yeah, that's what I thought. Then you need to get the starring role back pronto.
8. Are you more miserable than you are happy? No brainer.
9. Sex aside, do you even have much to talk about? Things in common? Life goals together? Similar hobbies? No? Then honey, just leave it there (my douche never made me laugh, ever).
10. Can you really see yourself with this person long term? Would he make a great boyfriend, husband, father, life partner...would he? Seriously though..think about it. Is there even trust there? Is he reliable and stable? I thought not. Get rid.
I have every faith that you'll get here and once you are...my word. It feels incredible. I feel like a black shadow has been lifted off my shoulders and fucked off completely. I no longer check my whatsapp to see if he's messaged me, I don't trawl through social media, I don't feel anxious when he blanks me for weekends on end, I don't concern myself with whether he's seeing her behind my back, I don't plan time around seeing him, I don't reject other dates for him, I don't try wonder what I can do that will make him want me properly...it's all GONE. EVERYTHING! AND I FEEL FUCKING AMAZING. If I can leave you with any piece of advice, it is this:
It's time to stop putting him first and instead go and love yourself.