Saturday, 30 January 2016

Relationships: Save, Sink or Swim?


Sigh. How comes every Sex & Love feature I write always begins with a big ass sigh?  Because it's a FUCKING NIGHTMARE out there, that's why.  It's an actual minefield. I know I'm here to give you all advice but rest assured, I often fuck up too.
I am often all "omg this is amazing we're so amazing I am so hap..." Oh wait, it's ruined. Then you go over and over and over everything you've previously done / said / text and try work out what you did or didn't do that could have stopped this outcome happening.  Listen, stop. You can't glue broken glass back together, okay?  If it's broken, then it's broken.

But there are some scenarios where, actually, you can save what you have.  Not even man is Satan in skinny jeans. Not every man is Cupid either. Not every man says what he means but not every man lies too.  It's hard, I know. How do you know when to get in or get out? This is where I come in. This is my code:

  1. Save - pretty obvious, your relationship can be saved. 
  2. Sink - you stay with him and you're going to sink right deep with him and not be able to get back to the surface. 
  3. Swim - take a breast stroke far far away from this man.  

Got that?  So here's the standard most common scenarios in relationships and if you take my advice now, you've got a good chance of the outcome you want or need.  This applies to both long term and new relationships or even just the casual 'seeing someone' pointless crap too.

Commitment Phobe - Swim

He likes you but he states he can't do commitment. You've been hanging out for months even maybe years and no 'togetherness' has been cemented. Listen if he wanted you, he'd have you. When men want something they don't fuck about. Trust me.  If you carry on trying to get him to commit you'll drive yourself mad. Swim away and accept it's not going anywhere.

I Don't Want You With Anyone Else - Sink

So he seems like he isn't too into you but can't handle you being with anyone else?  Classic. He wants you for himself, my dear, but not entirely wants you. If you stay around him, you'll just sink further and further and you won't be able to move on with anyone else but also you've got this weird half-formed relationship with a man who gives you only half of what you deserve. Stop sinking. 

But I Don't Have Time for a Girlfriend - Save

All guys don't plan on falling in love. It just happens to them, hence why we call it falling.  One minute he's 'shagging this hottie' the next the very same hottie gets pride place every weekend in his schedule. But, that takes time. At the beginning he will still want to do his own thing and will fear losing out on his social life because he associates having a girlfriend with a ball and chain and caged bars.  All you need to do is give him time. Space and time. Don't push for anything too soon, let him see that being with you means freedom too, and he'll come running soon enough.


I'm All About My Career - Save (but Swim after time limit)

This one can be saved because it is completely okay for mid twenties or even thirties to be focused solely on the career. Lord knows I am. What you need to do is give him complete 'chill out' zones for him to realise it is actually nice to unwind with you post work.  If he has to work late, don't nag or question him. However set yourself a time limit like 6 months max and if there is no change at all or he seems to get worse, then swim away.

Player - If You Don't Swim, You Sink

"I'm so glad I stuck around for so long with that player" said no girl ever.  If you've got signs he is playing away or he is very open about it, why are you hanging around? Honey you left your dignity somewhere in 2010, go back and get it. Sure, he makes you melt. Sure, you love the sex. But if you carry on you'll just become his doormat. You'll sink right down until you see nothing but black water. You need to swim away immediately. Do not look back. Not even a glance. 

I Got Cheated on Before - Save

This is a no-brainer. Men get upset too. Men get scared, sad and men have bad experiences in past relationships. If he seems constantly distant and you know he mentions often he was cheated on in his previous relationship, then you just need to hurl a shit load of reassurance at him.  All he wants really, deep down, is to know he can trust you and he'll give you his everything. But right now he's not sure. So, show him and you'll easily save this relationship.

 I Just Got Out of a Long Term Relationship - Swim

No man will say this to a girl who he wants to be with at that moment in time. What he's trying to say here, gently, is that he wants a mess around period.  Nothing heavy and no one girl. Lots of girls.  If you're after just sex then great but if you like the kid, swim away because all that's going to happen is you'll get attached and he'll be very unattached, always.

He's Married or in Another Relationship - Sink

Yes, you may think you've had the unfortunate cupid hit with a man who is already attached to someone else, but it doesn't matter because he loves you. Wrong. He may actually love you, but he also loves another. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on and you don't deserve to be the secondary woman. If you stay thinking he'll leave her for you, you're going to sink deep down and your heart will be aching daily until you're not even sure if it works anymore. Let him go. 

 I Just Want to Have Fun - Swim

Swim far far far away. 

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