Saturday, 30 January 2016

My Ego Wants You Back; But I Don't


So there he was. Standing there in front of me, discussing what's happened in the 5 years since I've last seen him. Lolly. The man who inspired my novel, who stole two years of my life and at least another year of getting over those years. Giggling, laughing, chatting away as if none of the dark twisted stuff had ever occurred between us.
I've been wondering for 5 years how I'd feel in this moment, if it ever happened, and I felt...nothing. No anger, no sadness, no loss, just nothing. I was looking at him again and thinking...what was I even thinking? This man was not ever going to be the person I spent my life with, so why was I such a mess when he called it off?

Same situation again. I only spent 3 months with Mr. Who a couple of Summers ago, but when he left I was cut up. Fast forward a year and I bump into him on Christmas Eve. I just stood there, looking at him thinking 'is this it?'. Whilst he spent the evening following me around bars and shouting in the street "you can't just walk away from me now" I literally did just walk off...I didn't want it. I didn't want him. All I saw was a drunk boy who I only half found attractive now. So why the tears when he left at 1am?

Fast forward to today and we have this same scenario all over again. My recent guy, Pig, has only been in my life around two months if that. He reminds me very much of Mr. Who.  Who was only 22 when we met and Pig was 23. Perhaps that's why I dived straight in at the beginning, AGAIN. He's confident but too young, and yet, I did the same thing. Saw him way too much, dropped my tick-list to accept who he was rather than what I'd aspire to be around and when he said he couldn't do commitment, I immediately wanted him back. 

But did I? I mean, did I REALLY?  What do all these examples have in common?  That the men in question were nothing like I'd ever want to have in a relationship, and they all pissed me off in their own ways, they ALL let me down continously and yet there I am all sad and whining like a little Bitch because they left. So what is it all about, when you get down to the nitty gritty? Let me tell you, because I already know the answer. It's about my EGO.

My ego wanted them all back to prove I could have them back.  But I didn't want them. At all. 


Let's take Pig as he's the most recent tryst of mine. I knew he was too young when we met, BUT he's a good guy. He is a decent person.  His age just means he has no fucking clue what he wants or what he needs or how to treat a woman with respect. But he did make me laugh and the sex was awesome so I dived right in to the deep end.  It was, obviously, never going to work.  Aside from his age, our routine was on a completely different time zone with him waking up at 11am and chilling whereas I'll be at the office chained to the laptop.  We have different outlooks on life too. And I don't want to spend my evenings cleaning up after a guy! DUDE I'M YOUR LOVER NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER! If we had given it 6 months I'd have probably just lost my shit about it all and left anyway. But, because he walked away first, I've been attempting to win him back ever since.  Well, I haven't. My ego has.

I even got super super drunk one night and demanded he come over and refused to take his no for an answer. My ego be like: "he said no, to me, to sex with me? AS IF". Poor boy, anything he said I just talked over the top of him and blanked him out demanding to know why he wasn't coming over. I mean, I was wankered. In the cold light of day I wouldn't even have known what to do if he came over. I was, you know, enjoying a monthly (how can we ever say that in a nice way?). What was I going to do, sit and braid his fucking hair? "Dude, drive from London to Kent so I can chat shit at you and pass out in the bathroom over the toilet." I mean, come on now. Let's not get silly.  But yet the more he said no the more I was adamant he needed to come over. 

As soon as I sobered up the next day, I was a bit like...OUSH. I didn't even want to hear from him and prayed every time my stupid whatsapp logo popped up, it wasn't Pig demanding answers. I wouldn't even know what to say to him if he did. "Sorry my ego couldn't stand you saying no but actually I'm fine now thanks." Deleting his number and entire existence from my phone, I'm so happy we split and he never came over. Honest. He isn't what I'm after. He isn't enough for me. But I chased him because my fucking ego cannot stand rejection.  There, that's the jist of it. Rejection.

Nobody likes rejection, right?  Who would. But when your ego comes into play, is when it then takes over your mindset, believing that the other person would be so ridiculous in dismissing you because clearly, you're out of their league.  Nay, leagues. When you can offer a billion times more to the table than they can, you expect them to be standing there offering up their world to attempt to match it.  Not walk away.  Erm....what now? You should be begging me to love you, not me begging you to stay? HOW HAS THIS EVEN HAPPENED? Ohhh ego, you are a twat.

If Pig called me up tonight and said "I made a big mistake and want to see you" my answer would be no. Absolutely not.  Because I don't want to see him. I just don't. Given time to cool down, my ego has stepped aside and let my reality make the concrete decisions.  He wasn't very good at being there for me.  He was inconsistent.  One minute he was all over me, the next, nothing. He was shady and made me feel used. I mean let's not slate him, he's a good kid. Decent heart. But he's just that, a kid. Half the time he didn't even realise he was upsetting me because he wasn't even thinking about any of it. This is not what I want from my man. So why was I chasing him back to me?

When your ego cannot handle the rejection you feel so unfairly given, you want to try do everything to flip reverse it. Some people get their esteem back by screwing someone hotter than the previous person. Some work super hard to get that person back, just to prove to themselves that they can, before moving on anyway (oh hello me). Those who do not do either are the ones who ignore their ego completely, and say 'whatever, I am better off without' then just glide merrily upon their way. 

So I guess, really, the point of this article is not to let your ego rule your relationship decisions.  Don't chase someone because you cannot fathom why they'd possibly leave in the first place.  Step outside of your box and take a look at the bigger picture.  Are they really what you're after?  Are they really even worth all this fucking effort? Have they ever made you feel special, or chased you, or made effort for you?  No? Then honey, what the Hell are you doing?  Drop the ego and drop the boy.  You'll feel a damn sight better without either of them around. Trust me.

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