In my head, he was everything I wanted. In my head, he was warm, loving, funny, kind, affectionate and passionate. In my head, once we saw each other again, we'd be colliding like stars...
...I can't be the only person who idealises men into something that is a far cry from reality, can I? I doubt it very much.
Being somewhat of a hopeless romantic, I always tend to paint a picture of my men in my imagination that is a twist on the truth. If they live quite far away and the physical contact isn't regular, this picture gets more and more distorted. I see them as a person I'd devote myself to, a person I can throw myself at and dive into pure elated happiness. Rose tinted glasses? I don't have those...I have rose tinted retinas. You can't take these bad boys off.
I have recently had a guy of such ideals that made me think he was my everything. It's a long distance thing, so it's difficult, but in my head he was worth it. So worth it. I wanted him more than I thought was possible. My body throbbed for his touch again, and the more plans got cancelled and the more shit got complex, the more and more I wanted him. That is, until I had him.
Ahhh life, I've got to laugh at your irony.
He came to stay, and everything I previously thought went out of the window. I thought that once I had his embrace, once I had his arms around me again, I'd be so blissfully happy. Turns out, I needed more than his embrace. Much more.
We spent 12 hours together and not once did I feel his affection. Not once did he look at me or stroke my face or kiss me in a manner of someone who was so very into this. I poured affection and kisses all over him like ketchup on my chips...and I got nothing back. When he was next to me or even inside of me, I felt nothing from his part. He was almost just going through the motions rather than being in it with me. Aside from the horny moves and the 'I need sex' physical attention, I got nothing from him. Not even conversation.
I found myself chatting about Thailand to fill morning air, and barely got words back. I found myself asking if I can have a cuddle, and all he'd do was fling his arms around me in a spoon like fashion, with neither hand actually touching me. Even when I pulled him up on his lack of affection...he ruffled my hair. Like one ruffles a dog.
I've never ever ever been next to a man, who has claimed to love me or to want me so badly, and feel like he's not really there. He may have been in my bed but he was just checked out. His mind was probably on the other girl he's got hanging around. Even the sex...even the sex was about him. I played dutiful girlfriend for the 12 hours - I gave myself to him 4 times, I bought him beer, I never moaned or commented when I barely got touched and I got up and made him breakfast with fresh coffee. I even sat at his feet on the floor whilst he finished his coffee and told me he has to go soon. I didn't complain that he's literally only given me 12 hours of his time. I didn't even try get him to remain with me a little longer. Why?
Because I knew I didn't want this man in my life on any level, any more.
He has previously dragged me to Hell and back (understatement, I won't go into detail) and I only stayed because I felt there was something there for us. This night together was to work through our shit and see if we still had a spark. He's treated me like shit and he's played me off against another girl. He's blamed me for circumstances beyond my control, like the fact I live in Kent, and used me for material when he was horny. He's not been very nice, at all. In fact, he's acted like a self-centred using cunt. But, because I had painted my own picture of this man in my head, in his absence, I was desperate to see him again. I knew once we were together, the puzzle would fall into place.
It didn't fall into place...it got smashed up and put right back in the box. I hate jigsaws anyway.
So, it took only 12 hours and 4 shags (which were pretty decent as far as sex goes, I'll be honest), one breakfast and one hot bath after he left for me to send my goodbyes and block him. And guess what? I felt immediately HAPPY. You never realise the negative impact someone has on your life until they're gone. You feel all kinds of free.
For once, I started to look at what I wanted. I've spent 3 months trying to be who he needs, who he wants, and I got lost in the process. I sat in this bath and recalled the past night's activities and realised...I got nothing out of it. I need emotion. I need to be cuddled and kissed like they want to be there. I need conversation, not one worded answers. I need laughter and playfulness. I need to be surprised with flowers or taken out for dinner or...something. I need to be looked at in a way that makes me know he's glad to be there. I got none of this. NOTHING. His eyes were so empty I almost felt sorry for him. He was there for a bang, which is fine but at least TRY and pretend like you have some sort of affection for me. If I was a fly on the wall I'd have almost been embarrassed watching the emptiness that was between us.
And so, what I've learnt from this particular bad egg, are these beautiful lessons:
1. Never idealise a man in your head. Reality will always disappoint you.
2. Never cook him breakfast if he can't even kiss you like he means it.
3. Never be ashamed to say how you feel or what you need.
4. Accept that people can be one person over text, but completely different in real life.
5. Never allow a man, who doesn't deserve even your little finger, to soak up your time, energy and love.
6. Don't enter into a relationship of any kind before you really truly know that person.
7. Words are futile. Texting me love notes means fuck all when your eyes are empty and your hands don't touch me.
8. Sometimes, sex can seal the deal. Or break it completely.
9. Never accept treatment less than what you know you deserve.
10. Be strong enough to be the one that says... thanks but no thanks.