I'm no beacon of truth. I'm no new-age Messiah who lives their life purely by truth, enlightenment and unconditional love. And I'm certainly no angel (well maybe Lucifer, after he fell of course), but when it comes to dating and relationships I have just two attributes that I hope my better half values too: loyalty and honesty. Two easily achieved concepts that make for a delightful happy relationship for both attendees. Be loyal to each other and always honest from the word go with both the small and big issues and there is nothing you then can't overcome together. Or so I originally thought.
I'm still standing by my whole 'no-lying' policy when it comes to relationships, but I've somewhat changed my tune with regards to the dating scene of late. I've recently encountered a guy who has made me question this whole 'honesty is the best policy' sha-bang. Which I never thought in a million years I'd do so already he's pretty special. Anyway that's all the air-time he's getting for now, I'm moving swiftly on to the main point here - dating and truths. Dating is a dark tangled web of second guessing, white lies, over-analyzing, over-thinking and trying to remain two steps ahead to prevent being hurt whilst remaining open with your intentions, carefree and happy but not naïve or oblivious either. In short, it's fucking exhausting. It drains me fo' sure; there isn't a month that goes by without me having a discussion with Diva or my girls about a recent potential who is driving me insane with his seemingly erratic footsteps. Two steps forward, five moves diagonal and then a high-jump backwards. Diva quite correctly pointed out my dating life in particular is like needing to learn the rules of Monopoly but only holding the instructions to Snakes & Ladders. It fits to be akin to a board game with the amount of players who come strolling my way, looking for checkmate (I'm the Queen FYI asshole, and I kick King's butt hands down).
So what if, in a breath of fresh air to the dinner dates or cocktails or walks by the river, the lover's trysts were filled with as much honesty as both could offer? Wouldn't this be awesome? What if we all told Mr. Hudson to shove his White Lies up his arse, and laid our cards on the table, never pretending to want what we think the other wants. Let's give this honesty malarkey a go right here right now: Hi my name is Nixalina and contrary to popular belief I am not a girl who dates many men at once. Forgive me for still holding onto the value of loyalty in this fast-pace modern society but, I can only date one man at a time because if I have taken an interest in dating him then I feel he deserves my attention without the need to offer him competition, that's just making the situation unnecessary complex. I like him, he gets my time, period. I am also not into sleeping with a harem of people at once either; one is more than enough, especially if that one is special to me. Sure, I get offers...but I turn them down. Perhaps a concept some men might want to try, just because they ask you out does not mean you have to say yes! Moving swiftly on...
So, with this insight into 'me' in mind, wouldn't it be lovely if I didn't feel the need to tell a man I'm cool with just sex or just seeing how it goes casually, if I'm not? And wouldn't it be nice if he returned the favour and told me where he is at, i.e. that he feels at this moment in time he likes me and enjoys our company but does still need to date other women too for the time being? Isn't that nice? NO. NO IT'S NOT NICE. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. LIKE EVER.
Does dating and lies come hand in hand?
And so here I am, going back on a value I thought was once cemented into the very fibre of my being. I wish he'd lied to me, and not admitted he wants to date others. Because it puts me in this awkward scenario of whether I carry on dating him in the knowledge he is the only man I am dating yet I am not the only woman he is dating, or, do I accept he's in a different place in his life and walk away now. Lest we not forget, I like him. I want to see him again. I think about him when I'm not with him and when I am with him, he makes me smile. He makes me feel special, even when I am being a complete moron (which happens often). Perhaps a white-lie is in order...we'll see.