Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Being 'Needy' vs being ‘In Need’


I am a woman who notoriously is in need of nothing from a man. I run two jobs, one being my own brand and company that I built, I can hold my own in most debates, albeit philosophical or otherwise. I play sport (Netball is a sport and its bloody hard work for those who deny it such a label!), I paint, I drive, and I party hard. I don't financially depend on anyone but myself and I do what I like, when I like. I decide I want to go to Thailand to do charity work...by the next week my trip is booked and paid for.

A typical Taurus - I am as opinionated and as stubborn as they come and if I know I am right, my arguments can go on for days. I don't back down or rollover unless I am aware I am wrong, then apologies are rightfully given. There is nothing missing here to complete me, I do not need a man for any role in my life except just being a positive part of it...yet the reason I'm still single is because I AM needy. I always assumed I cannot possibly be a needy girl because I don't need anything off a dude except a decent cuddle now and again. But alas, I am so needy. Confused? Let me explain..

Aware that many of my friends are living with their partners, engaged, having babies or just generally 'settled', I'm 25 feeling like I'm missing the 'relationship' boat. I can imagine in 10 years time I hear 'Oh, shit, you're still single? That ship sailed at 25...enjoy life alone love!' Shit. It seems slightly over the top to be concerned with finding a partner...but having been in long term relationships I miss that connection with someone. That feeling of being on a train home knowing someone is waiting at the other end. Heck, I even enjoyed planning my weekends with and around someone else aside from me. I'd like someone to come along and tell me I can't get my own way all the time, I can't piss off around the world whenever I like and I definitely can't party mid-week every week at events with free bars. I'm a dominating female in need of being dominated.




And here lies the reason as to why I'm single – because when I meet a guy, I'm emotionally needy. I actually don't need him at all, but I want him to want to be around, so I change from my usual 'couldn't give a shit' attitude to 'aren't you the best thing on this planet' behaviour. I have conditioned myself into thinking I must start bending over backwards (not literally...ahem!) to cater for the new beau that comes along, in the hopes he'll see the softer version underneath the public profile of 'Nixalina' and fall head over heels in love with me, The End. Except it's not the end...far from. What I think and what a guy thinks are worlds apart. When I enjoy a 4 hour whatsapp conversation – he may participate as he wants to keep me sweet to eventually get into my knickers, but in the back of his mind he's thinking 'shit this girl talks too much'. One dude even sent me 35 messages in a row once...just a kiss, nothing more...and so I thought this set the tone of the connection. But alas, when I reciprocated it, he wasn't that interested. Why? Because men like TO CHASE and you have to become THE PRIZE, not something served on a silver platter after just one date.

Girls don't need to be in need to be perceived as needy (How many 'needs' can I fit into one sentence HA!). I am perceived as needy because; I talk a lot, I am very open about my past, my present and future plans, I dive straight in with emotional pet names, anecdotes and if they upset me, I'll declare why with immediate effect. This is not the way to go girls, hell no. A guy doesn't want to know that your ex once took your car out and used up all your petrol then brought it back, he doesn't want to be emasculated with 'baby' or 'poppet' or 'sugar' namesakes within the first couple of weeks. Nor does he need to know that when your cat died you cried for a week. You can be feminine without being needy...it's a balance and I am weighting in my scales. Fuck.

To work out if you're emotionally needy; look at your behaviour towards your man / men you date. Do you appear to latch on almost instantly, do you want texts every day, do you call him every time you're out pissed, do you call him baby, do you send messages with just a load of xxxxxxx, do you question when you're going to see him again, or make plans with him and become offish if he can't make them? Do you move your plans as soon as he's free, or drive to pick him up at the drop of a hat? Does he start to pull away from you and you instinctively push forward scared he'll go completely, which makes him pull away even more? Then welcome my girly friends - you're in the Nixalina Needy camp. And it's stopping right now!




Being needy is the most unattractive attribute anyone can hold. I know because I have needy men on my case and give it 2 weeks and daily whatsapp messages and I've gone from thinking they're cool to resenting the appearance of their name on my phone. They're nice guys but they've killed the challenge, the chase and the fire by being too available. This is what we do for men, but on a much larger quicker scale. Guys want a girl they feel can add to their lives in a free and positive manner...not swaddle them with cotton wool and thus deliver erectile dysfunction.

So how does this change? Easily, actually...so stop stressing out that you'll end up alone and full of plastic surgery. When you feel like calling, hold off. When you feel like texting...don't. Text a friend. Text your mum. Text yourself even...or write out the soppiest message then delete it. Even if he sends you a billion messages (or 35 in my case) hold off on your responses...he needs to always feel like you're not quite in his grip for him to want to continue chasing you. This isn't some made-up ideal it's a fact. Some women in need of nothing come across way too needy, or some are in need of many things but hold their own anyway and therefore never appear needy. The latter are more likely to find and keep a decent man...even though all the signs point to the first female being an eligible 'wifey'. Oh, and on that note don't ever mention the word 'relationship', 'wifey', 'babies' or drop the 'where is this going?' bombshell. As I can tell you now...it's going right out the door, just after he runs through it.



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