Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Nixalina's Guide to the 'Modern Day' Disney Princesses



Disney Princesses are embedded in most girl's upbringing.  Belle, Cinderella, Snow White and even Pocahontas are watched and re-watched by younglings, dreaming of a day we can all swish about in big dresses and declare ourselves a damsel in distress.  I hate to shatter dreams, but there is no such thing as a fairytale ending.

I know I know, I'm still in shock too.  I've been a damsel in distress for years and have I stumbled across my Prince Charming?  Hell no.  All I've been greeted with is evil warty ol' toads (not even frogs ladies, TOADS).  Now don't mistake me for lack of effort...I have even gone out in London like this:


Couldn't get any more 'princess' than this...I even had a matching red tiara.  And what happened the night I rocked this in London?  My best girl and I got pulled over by police, driving home.  Yep...two beauties in two massive princess dresses got flashed and pulled over and we had to climb out of her teeny 206; imagine pushing meringue through a needle eye and you can see our struggle.  Police check was not the desired end result fit for a couple of princesses, I can assure you! (Although there was genuinely nothing wrong and they made a comment about finding our charmings soon...so we think they were just bored and pulled us over for the laughs).

So, what happened to the Disney Princess in the modern world?  She obviously cannot survive, so I have thus taken a fresh approach at what I think they teach us modern city girls.  Each princess, if you really think about it, provides us with a valuable lesson to learn, a lesson that we can use to approach our current lives.  Perhaps we won't bag a Prince, but can we at least find, for fuck sake, a guy who is genuinely charming? 

So, here are my pearls of wisdom:


Cinderella


Proof that, if you leave a man hanging on, he'll remain interested.  


If you give the goods up the first time you share a dance or a drink...he won't care if you dropped your god-damn car keys - they won't be returned in such haste.  Basically, try not shag him for a least 3 dates.  Be alluring, run off if you have to (although fleeing a bar may make you seem like you've stolen something?) but just keep him at arm's length and only let him in when he proves himself worthy; such as hunting you down just to see you again.


Snow White


Proof that, if you're clever, sleeping with seven men at the same time can have benefits. 


This one gets away with murder I swear! If I was so damn open about my hoards of men, I'd get dumped by all 8 of them. Yes, I meant 8: 7 dwarfs and one fittie of a prince. But, there is something to be said for having options. Now now, before you jump into the concept of orgy, I am simply implying that putting eggs into one basket means you pressure that single soul into providing everything for you, and damn the boys hate the pressure! Spread yourself evenly, date a selection, and keep them all guessing.  This gives you an advantage at coming off less needy and you get to work out what kind of man you really want. Sorted!  Oh, and I could have gone along the lines of 'bad apples = bad men' but that analogy wasn't as fun as the 7 men option.


Sleeping Beauty


Proof that, even just one prick can fuck your whole life up.  


This is very true, many a girl has emailed or FB me lamenting over this one guy that has, quite literally, screwed her over in every way possible.  Unfortunately, in the modern world, true love's kiss will not solve all your problems (although it may make you feel like you've been brought back to life, which is nice).  Just keep shit in perspective ladies - he's just a guy.  There are many, many MANY more where he came from!  Let the prick go.  Oh, and catch up on your own beauty sleep...we must not have eye-bags when being wooed by the next suitor.


Belle


Proof that, when faced with no other alternative, we can convince ourselves we love an ugly fucker.


Okay, so that's a bit harsh, but perhaps falling for the 'distinctly average' guy is actually the key to happiness?  All my ex beau's are actors, artists, celebs, models and in general very pretty men bla bla fuckihg bla.  They have all not worked out, and most have cheated.  Pretty men have an ego larger than your Mulberry and that is not going to lead to a loving equal relationship.  The 'I'm cute but don't realise' guys are the ones to grab.  Perhaps not a beast though...no-one likes a beast.


Ariel


Proof that, you should never try change yourself for a man; he just isn't worth it. 


If he doesn't like you as you are, send him on his way and remember your own worth.  So you got a fishtail and he has legs - if he didn't like the fishtail there will be someone else who thinks it is your best feature.  Plus, shouldn't he be searching for a personality to love, rather than looks?  If you feel the need to change your aesthetics to keep him, he's a shallow asshole who won't stick around when you both age anyway.


Jasmine


Proof that, if you are really the one, the guy will do anything to show you.  


We don't need to be making all the effort and if you find you are, then he just isn't that into you!  If you want a magic carpet ride, then by damn you'll get a magic carpet ride.  The guys who expect you to find an old rug and whip it into some sort of pleasant travelling material is not the guy you belong with.  If he's like this during the dating period, imagine how slack he'll become when he thinks he has you?  No mate...make the effort and show me you're worthy. 


Mulan


Proof that, if you can kick a guy's butt better than he can, you'll gain respect.  


By this I don't mean all sign up instantly to kick-boxing classes, but I mean don't be afraid to excel and show your true colours.  If you're more intelligent, more creative, have a better head for figures or, can genuinely kick butt, show him.  The guys who become emasculated by your skills are not the ones to be with...they'll just always try bring you down rather than push you to achieve your potential.  If you show him your worth and gain his respect, then you have yourself a keeper, right there.


Pocahontas


Proof that, if you're dating a guy called John Smith who is unbelievably pretty; then he's probably unbelievably dull too. 


And vain.  It's easy to fall in 'lust' with a beautiful guy, but it is falling in 'love' with his soul that counts.  So if he looks into his shiny helmet at his reflection more than he looks at you, get rid.  And if he doesn't understand where you come from, your background and your culture, get rid.  That pretty face won't last forever and it is the person inside that will offer lasting happiness. 



And remember, the right man will make you feel like a Princess, just as you are.



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