What is significant that I have noted is that I hated all my addictions before I tried, gave in and loved them. For instance, since I was 15 I abhorred smoking. My young love was a smoker and he often found the filters broken away from the tobacco rendering his ten pack useless (brat is my middle name). Now, I’m a self-confessed full time smoker. You should see me if I haven’t had one for a few hours...it’s like someone unleashed a gruffalo! Alongside this, I only drank tea until I discovered a ‘Latte’ at the uni bar, now I’m on 3 a day and a train journey is nigh on torture without my morning coffee. Acknowledging all of the above has led me to re-evaluate my behaviour and past relationships. I’ve begun to wonder if my compulsive behaviour is replicated when it comes to men too.
In essence, is love just another addiction?
Every long term boyfriend I’ve had has been the centre of my universe, my main focal point until it turns to shit. I suffer hard during a break up and I resent those girls who can just switch off and move on. I wallow in memories, crying to songs, creating texts that are never sent and discussing the ‘ex’ with my girls over and over until my mouth is dry and my wine glass empty. Then, hey presto, something snaps and after a month or so I wouldn’t be able to tell you his middle name. This leads me to believe that I become addicted to my leading man. The break up is the ‘rehab’ process, having his daily calls cut down to nothing is like going ‘cold turkey’.
After copious rows, complex circumstances and idiotic unnecessary dramas, we eventually cut loose. The first week without him was like taking a bullet. Then the second week struggles by, and then the third and suddenly I can’t recall if his eyes are blue or green or if he has two for that matter? Beats me. Oh wait...yes he did have two but I poked one. If I saw him now, I’d probably smirk at his attire and walk past without a second glance. It’s interesting, isn’t it? The concept of addictions that includes human interaction is strange and thought provoking. I assume this compulsive attribute is what leads people to kill, die or fight for love. To abandon families for ‘the one’. This then makes me wonder, do we ever truly love another or have they simply become part of our routine - a habit that we’re too scared to go cold turkey on?